


the whole world let us down

by arwin_maa



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Canon-Typical Violence, Car Sex, Drug Use, Elle Greenaway as Unsub, Eventual Smut, F/M, Gun Violence, Hand Jobs, Mentions of Rape, Mentions of Sex, Murder, Pegging, Porn With Plot, Romantic Fluff, Spencer Reid as Unsub, Unsub!Spencer, unsub!Elle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:35:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 31,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28945266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arwin_maa/pseuds/arwin_maa
Summary: "Crime was what had brought them together in the first place, so it only seemed logical that their relationship would keep going down this road. However, this time, Elle wanted it to be the other way around. "A few weeks after quitting her job at the BAU, Elle Greenaway comes to Spencer Reid's house, asking him to run away with her. He tells her to go away but, after the events of 2x15 ("revelations"), he reconsiders her offer.In which Spencer and Elle go on a murder road-trip due to their respective trauma, and in which the other members of the team try to catch them, without even knowing they are chasing their former teammates.
Relationships: Elle Greenaway & Spencer Reid, Elle Greenaway/Spencer Reid
Comments: 40
Kudos: 121





	1. we'll do it our way

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any inconsistency with canon, and they might be slighlty out of character but it's ok, right ?
> 
> anyway, english isn't my first language and it's my first time posting anything on here, so feel free to point out any mistake 
> 
> enjoy :)

It was late at night. Spencer Reid was quietly reading in his room, not being able to sleep, somehow. Maybe it was the recent loss of his dear friend that had left a sort of void in his stomach, or possibly just the fact that he had slept in the jet this afternoon.

He hadn't really lost his friend, as in she hadn't died. But it felt like she had. She had showed up one day with her resignation letter, and had handed it to Hotch, saying it wasn’t a confession. But everyone knew it was. It had been hard for the 24 years old to see her go like that.

Reid couldn’t help but blame himself. She had opened up to him, in that motel room. If only he had talked to her a bit longer… If only he had chosen the right words… If only he had done more, maybe she wouldn’t have had to quit.

The departure of Elle Greenaway deeply affected the young man, even though he wouldn’t admit it if his life depended on it.

He pushed his glasses on his nose, before keeping on reading, his hand sliding on the page as his eyes slipped on the words, processing them faster than anyone else. He liked to read. He had always liked it, probably always will.

Someone knocked on the door of his small apartment, making him jump, his hand automatically going to the gun at his belt. He slowly put his book down and got up to go open his door – which he did carefully. He didn’t expect anyone at 2am, according to his watch.

A familiar face appeared in the doorway, and Spencer’s eyes lit up as he opened the door wide open.

“Elle, w-what are you doing here ?” he asked, smiling, stuttering with excitement. “Come inside, I’ll make us some coffee !”

She smiled before entering the apartment, keeping her hands in the pockets of her coat.

“I can’t believe you’re here !” Spencer said from the kitchen as Elle sat on the edge of the couch. “So, coffee ?”

“I didn’t come here to drink coffee, Spencer.”

He came in the living room, two cups already in hands, a disappointed look on his face.

“But you always come here to take coffee.”

“I’m really happy to see you.” she said, looking at him. “I’m here to ask you something, actually.”

*

“Have you lost your mind ? You can’t be serious, Elle.”

Spencer was standing up in the middle of his living room, his hands going wild around him, in front of a very serious Elle, still sitting on the couch.

“Imagine it Spencer. You and me, a stolen car, shitty motels. Wouldn’t it be great ?”

“Absolutely not !” Spencer ran a hand through his hair. “I can’t leave the BAU like that !”

Elle shrugged.

“I did.”

“But I’m not you !”

There was a moment of silence during which the two friends looked at each other. They didn’t more words. Everything had been said. So Elle got up. She walked to the door, and opened it.

“I’m sorry,” Spencer blurted out.

She left without looking back, leaving even a bigger void than before. Spencer was definitely not going to sleep now.

*

Spencer had tried to call his friend for six days now, but she wouldn’t answer. He knew she didn’t like phones, but she could have at least showed at his apartment, or something. He was particularly irritated this morning when he got to work, his messenger bag by his side, hair dishevelled as he didn’t even try to make them look decent.

“Garcia, I need you to do something for me.”

The sweet girl smiled.

“Anything for that pretty face.” she answered, smiling.

Reid scratched his neck.

“Could you find Elle ? She hasn’t been answering my calls and I…”

His voice broke, but Garcia nodded.

“You want to know if she’s okay. I get it. I’ll call you as soon as I find anything, okay ?"

Spencer awkwardly smiled.

“Don’t tell anyone. Please.”

Garcia raised an eyebrow, but answered :

“I’ll shut my mouth and toss the key across a bridge.”

“Thanks Garcia.”

He then left. The others didn’t need to know, all they would have done would have been asking questions, and that was the last thing the young profiler wanted.

*

“Elle, I know you’re in there, please. Please, just open.”

Spencer had been banging on the motel room’s door for about five minutes now. Thanks to Garcia, he had been able to find where Elle was staying, and there he was, on a Thursday night, knocking endlessly on her door, practically begging her to let him in.

As he was about to leave, he heard the rattle of the lock and turned around.

“Why are you here ?” she asked, cold and distant.

His voice full of hope, Spencer answered :

“I’ve changed my mind.”

She looked up to him, and starred at his face, noticing the dark circles under his eyes, and his hair being even messier than usual.

“What the hell happened to you ?” she asked, taking a step back to let him in.

He pursed his lips in a weird smile, the one he would make while explaining why he didn’t shake hands.

“Long story.”

They both sat on the bed in silence. It had always been like that, between the two of them. They would just sit or lay down, no words, no sounds, just their breath filling the air, along with that tension that had been there from day one. Spencer always liked Elle. Her long dark hair flying behind her when it was windy on a crime scene, her brown leather jacket fitting her body so nicely, and her smile. Oh, her smile. The whole world would light up when she entered a room, smirking, making a fine joke that left Spencer speechless, butterflies going wild in his stomach.

Elle, on the other hand, didn’t like the young Dr. Reid at first. She thought he was arrogant, with all his statistics and his facts, so precise they seemed made up. But day after day she had learnt that all those demonstrations of intelligence were just a shield to the poor kid’s emotions. They had to go slow, to discover a little part of each other during cases, standing over a dead body or while establishing a geographic profile.

Crime was what had brought them together in the first place, so it only seemed logical that their relationship would keep going down this road. However, this time, Elle wanted it to be the other way around.

“Aren’t you tired ?” she asked, breaking the silence.

Reid took a few seconds to answer, his chin resting in his hand.

“Of what ?”

“Chasing serial killers.”

Spencer tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, and sighed.

“Yeah. It can get pretty exhausting.”

“Wanna become one ?”

Once again, silence invaded the room. This time, it wasn’t because they didn’t need to speak. Spencer thought that there was, in fact, a lot to unpack in what his friend had just said. No, it was because the young man was scarred to admit that he was, in fact, not totally repulsed by the idea.

“And turn into the exact people we swore to chase down and arrest ?” he said, fighting the voice in his head enumerating all the upsides of what Elle had just offered.

“Not really. We’ll keep chasing them. Just…” she paused for a second, lying down on her back on the white sheets. “We’ll do it our way.”

Spencer twisted his back a little so that he could see Elle’s face, resting on the bed behind him, her hair now cut short surrounding her face, only visible thanks to the bedside lamp.

“Our way ?”

“Yeah,” she answered. “No more following orders or waiting for back-up. We see a bad guy, boom, goodbye bad guy.”

Spencer tried to fight the part of him who desperately wanted to say yes. But he couldn’t, because all he could think of was Tobias Hankle. Where had been the team, when he had needed them the most ? Had they waited for back-up ? Had Hotch ordered them not to come for him yet, and to be sure first ?

“You think too much, Spencer.”

Reid sighed, and laid down, his head next to Elle’s, but his body in the opposite direction, his feet still on the ground.

“I do think a lot,” he admitted, getting his glasses off and putting them aside.

“And ? What’s the outcome ?”

Spencer lifted his right arm, petting his own hair, his thoughts racing. As he did so, the sleeve of his shirt – which was a bit too big for him – fell on his biceps, revealing his forearm. He glanced at the marks on the inside of his elbow, and then reported his attention on the ceiling.

“It would be great,” he whispered.

*

Spencer stayed the night, sleeping on the couch. Well, he didn’t sleep a lot. He thought about the discussion he and Elle had just had for hours. But it was only when the sun started to rise that he made his decision. He gathered his things quietly, trying not to wake up his friend, and left. He had left a note, written quickly in black ink on a creased piece of paper he had found at the bottom of his messenger bad.

_Had to take care of something at work. I’ll be back by tonight. - Spencer_

But when he was back at his place, a few hours after telling Hotch he quit, getting all his important stuff in a suitcase, someone knocked on the door. Spencer raised an eyebrow, and looked at his watch. It was only 5:34, why would Elle come to his place if he said he was going to be back in the evening ? He stopped what he was doing, his toothbrush still in his hand, and went to open the door.

But it wasn’t Elle.

“Morgan ?”

Derek Morgan was standing in the hallway, waiting for Spencer to let him in. He was smiling, but his eyebrows showed some concern. Spencer stayed in the doorway, trying to hide the inside of his apartment : his suitcase was wide open in the middle of the living room, and it was clear that he intended to live in a hurry.

“You gonna let me in ?” Morgan asked, tilting his head.

“It is… not a very good time right now, I’m afraid,” Spencer said. “I’m… uhhh sick, yeah.”

He faked a cough. A very not credible cough.

“You’re not sick, Reid.”

“How would you know ?”

“I’m a profiler.”

_Damn_ , Spencer thought. _He’s got a point._

“Why do you have a toothbrush ?” Morgan asked, only now noticing the small object.

Spencer instantly put the toothbrush in his mouth. It was dumb, but it was the only thing he could think of at the moment, given how anxious the situation made him. It wasn’t like he was about to run away with Elle to go kill criminals, or like he had a month worth of supplies of Dilaudid in his suitcase.

“Because I’m brushing my teeth.”

Morgan looked at him, deadpan.

“No you’re not. It was dry.” He paused for a second. “What’s going on with you, pretty boy ? Hotch just told me you gave him your resignation letter this morning.”

“I did,” Spencer admitted.

“And you want me to believe that you’re serious ?” Morgan asked, crossing his arms. “Dr. Spencer Reid, quitting his job at the BAU ? Com’ on kid, we both know that won’t happen.”

“It appears it did,” Spencer answered, pinching his lips. “Sorry, it really isn’t a good time.”

He tried to close the door, but the foot of his friend came in the way, and he had to reopen it.

“I’m not leaving you ‘till you explain, Reid.” Morgan said, and it had been a long time since Spencer had seen him that serious outside of work.

Spencer sighed and ruffled through his own hair, looking at his feet. He hated lying, even more to Morgan, but he couldn’t really tell him the truth, could he ? So he decided to tell the half of it instead.

“It’s just…” the young man started, looking for the right words. “With everything that happened with Tobias Hankle… I can’t do this anymore. Going out there, in the field… it’s too much.”

Morgan nodded, comprehensive, and Spencer hated himself for having to lie to his friend’s face like that. He could see the sadness in Morgan’s eyes. It wasn’t really sadness, though, more like… pity.

“Take care of yourself, kid.”

“I will,” Spencer answered, closing the door right after.

He really hated lying.


	2. don't bother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi ! I'll update every wednesday and saturday, some more chapters are already done !
> 
> as always, feel free to point out any mistake
> 
> enjoy :)

They were on the parking lot of the motel, sitting in a car Spencer didn’t recognize, but did it really matter ? The idea of running away, leaving everything behind like that, excited him. Well, he wasn’t really leaving everything behind. He was with Elle, and he couldn’t help but wonder how her newly short hair would feel under his fingers, or how it would be to fall asleep next to her. 

It was what friends wondered about, right ?

“Did you steel this car ?” he finally asked, opening the glove box.

“Yep.”

Spencer scoffed, trying not to smile. He was slowly discovering a side of his friend he didn’t know existed. In the glove box, he found some tissues, a torch lamp, and a gun. Spencer’s eyes widened as he took the weapon in his hands and made sure the safety was on. 

“Is that your Glock 19 ?”

Elle turned to him and took the gun from him, putting it back in the glove box and shutting it. 

“Did you steel it from Hotch’s office ?” 

Elle started the car, not answering, her eyes on the road. They drove in silence for a few hours, Elle at the wheel and Spencer reading a few books he had brought along. From time to time, the young doctor would glance at Elle, and wonder about her hair again. They seemed so soft. 

When they arrived at another motel, Spencer took his messenger bag and his heavy suitcase out of the trunk, while Elle only had to carry a black duffle bag. 

“Why did you take so many things ?” she asked while they registered at the reception. 

“I had to take some books,” Spencer answered, getting his hair out of his face with his hand. 

“Yeah, that and about a hundred sweater vests,” Elle chuckled in return.

They got to the room and Spencer started to unpack all of his stuff. He put his clothes in the drawer and his shampoos and soap in the shower. As he was putting his toothbrush – along with a little plastic glass – on the sink, Elle’s head peeped in the bathroom. 

“What are you doing ?” she asked, standing in the doorway. 

Spencer turned around, his toothbrush still in hand. 

“I’m… getting comfortable ?”  
Elle sighed, before laughing quietly. She looked up to him, meeting his innocent brown eyes, half hidden behind a strand of hair and his glasses. He almost looked like a child, and it was so cute that Elle couldn’t help but smile. 

“We’ll be gone in two days. Don’t bother.”

Spencer nodded, but he kept getting all his stuff out of the suitcase. He needed it to feel like home, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to sleep. Lastly, he put books on the bedside table, and some under it, as they couldn’t all fit on the small piece of furniture without falling.

Elle had decided to take a shower, and Spencer to read Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. He had already read that book a dozen times, but he couldn’t let go of it. There was something about the atmosphere, about the two main characters being outcasts, about Lennie almost getting beaten up for nothing, that just struck with him in a way he couldn’t put into words. 

Elle got out of the bathroom at the same time Spencer put his book down. 

“Why do you have so many hair products ?” she asked, drying her hair with an already damp towel. 

She had put on a white polo shirt, buttons undone, and Spencer couldn’t help but glance at the gold necklace she was wearing, and maybe a little lower. His eyes next wandered to her waist, which was visible because of her arms standing up, drying her hair, and therefore raising her shirt a little.

“You like what you see ?” Elle chuckled, turning around to go back in the bathroom. 

It took Spencer all his self-control not to stare at her back – and, again, a little lower – and to answer :

“I wasn’t…”

But she had already closed the bathroom door, and Spencer decided to reach for his suitcase – which he had put under the bed – to distract himself from the embarrassment.  
His hands closed on the tiny bottles. It was the only thing he hadn’t gotten out. He couldn’t, Elle didn’t know. She didn’t know about Tobias Hankle, or the Dilaudid, or the dark thoughts he had when he wasn’t high. 

He glanced at the bathroom door. What if she got out of there and saw him, needle in hand, sleeve raised above the elbow ? He couldn’t take that risk. 

“Elle,” he started, putting a bottle in his pocket, along with his needle. “I’m going out for a minute, I need to buy something.”

He didn’t wait for her answer and left the room to go seek a public bathroom somewhere. 

*

“Wanna go out tonight ?” Elle asked after Spencer came back, half an hour later. 

He hadn’t taken much, so as not to completely drift out of reality. Just enough to reduce his anxiety and calm his thoughts. It was already 8:00 pm, and he had bought sandwiches from the vending machine just out of the motel on his way back, pretending it was what he went out for. 

“Sure, where do you want to go ?”

Elle put on her leather jacket, and Spencer noticed her subtly putting her gun in the back of her low-waisted jeans. He didn’t remember her taking it out of the glove box when they had arrived, but he had probably been too busy carrying his heavy suitcase to pay attention.

“There must be a bar somewhere. We can eat on the way.”

***

They finished their sandwiches and got into a bar. It was almost 9:00, and Spencer was already feeling the effects of the drug fading out. He could handle it, though. He didn’t need to be high all the time. 

It was loud, and hot too. The bar was teeming with people. Men, women, nearly everyone had a beer in hand, if not something stronger. Elle and Spencer sat at the bar, and Spencer awkwardly loosened his tie while his friend ordered a beer.

“You want anything ?” the waiter asked, turning to him.

“Just a glass of water, please.”

His mouth was dry, even though he made sure to stay hydrated throughout the day. He had started drinking a lot of water when his father had left. Her mother would have a hard time remembering to drink water, and he had had to start to remind her himself, taking a few sips with her every hour. 

Elle downed her beer in less than ten minutes, and Spencer would have been concerned if he didn’t know about her high alcohol tolerance. He remembered that time when, after a particularly rough case involving children (to be honest, any case involving children entered the “rough case” category), they had all gotten out. It was Elle who had had the most drinks, shots after shots, but she hadn't been anywhere close to Garcia’s, JJ’s or Gideon’s state. Even Hotch had been more drunk than her, that night.

“Look at him,” Elle said, after ordering another beer. 

She pointed at a guy who was heavily hitting on a young woman who very much didn’t want to speak to the guy. He was handsome, for his age, but the girl didn’t seem to care. She kept telling him to go away, but he sat down and continued to annoy her.

“This is why I hate men,” Elle added, her face full of disgust, as she took a sip of beer.

“All men ?” Spencer asked, slightly offended.

She smiled and shook her head.

“Nah,” she answered. “You’re fine.” She took another sip. “Sometimes.”

Spencer scoffed and pushed his glasses up on his nose. 

“Sometimes ? What do you mean, sometimes ?”

Elle didn’t answer his question. She was still looking at the man, who now had a hand in his pocket. He got something out of it, a little pill, and put it in the girl’s drink. Spencer and Elle looked at each other and, less than a second later, they were both up. 

“Hey there,” Elle whispered into the man’s ear. “Want to come with me ?”

The man instantly reported his attention on Elle, who was bent over just enough so that he could peek at her breast. They exchanged a few words, and the man followed her outside, smiling widely.

Spencer, on the other hand, had taken the girl’s drink away from her just in time, her lips were already on the glass. 

“Hey !” she protested.

“You see the man who as bothering you ?” Spencer said, indicating to the barman to throw away the drink. “He spiced that drink. You’re welcome.” 

But before the young woman could say anything, he had disappeared. 

*

“Hope you don’t mind my friend joining us ?” Elle said in a seductive voice, looking back at Spencer who had followed them to the motel.

“No problem sweet heart,” answered the middle-aged man. 

Spencer emerged from the angle of the hallway, and entered the room after them. The man turned around and raised an eyebrow when he saw the young doctor locking the door. 

“Wait, who is that ?” he asked, confused.

“My friend,” Elle answered, before hitting the back of his head with the gun handle. 

When he woke up, Spencer and Elle were arguing quietly in the bathroom.

“He was about to rape her ! What did you want me to do !” Elle whispered, throwing her hand in the man’s direction, which was tied up on a chair.

“Well,” Spencer answered, crossing his arms. “Not giving him a concussion would have been a good start.”

“I thought we had agreed on this,” Elle replied, her voice suddenly cold and firm, straightening her posture. “We catch the bad guy, and we deal with it our way.”

“He hasn’t done anything yet !” Spencer said, raising his voice a little and speaking faster.

Elle rolled her eyes, took a few steps to the man and grabbed his hair, pulling them a little, raising his face so that Spencer could see him correctly. If his mouth hadn’t been covered with tape, he probably would have moaned in pain.

“Look at him,” she said, pulling a little more on the hair. “Remember how he slipped that pill in the drink so easily ? It wasn’t his first time doing it.”

Spencer hated to admit it, but she was right. The man’s movement had been too smooth for it to be his first time spicing a drink. He took his glasses off and wiped his face with his hand before putting them back on again. 

“Our DNA is all over this room. We can’t kill him here.”

“Pack your stuff, then.”

*

After half an hour of driving with a man in the trunk, Elle finally stopped next to an empty field. Without a word, the two friends got out of the car and put on latex gloves – Spencer always had some in his messenger bag – before opening the trunk. 

Between kicks and muffled screams, they managed to get the terrified man out of the trunk. Elle pointed her Glock on him, and Spencer had never feared her like that. Sure, she could get pretty scary in some circumstances, but that pure anger in her eyes ? Spencer had only seen it in unsubs before. And, somehow, the sight of his friend, angry, disheveled, a gun in hand… it did something to him. Was he scarred ? Sure. Well, given the circumstances, anyone in their right mind would be. But there was something else... Something that started in his stomach, only to go lower and lower. 

Oh god. This couldn’t be happening. Now was not the time for a boner. 

“Do as I say or I will blow your brain out,” Elle said.

She made the man go into the field, and Spencer followed them. 

Elle cocked her gun and shot the man in the stomach, without a warning, making Spencer flinch. The man brought his still tied hands to his wound, screaming under the tape, before falling on his knees. Elle approached, a determined look on her face, and once again grabbed the man’s hair. She violently took the tape off of his mouth and approached her face so close to his that for a brief moment, Spencer thought she might kiss him. 

“You repulse me,” she said before letting go of his hair. 

Spencer couldn’t help but stand there and watch, fascinated, his pants getting tighter with each word coming out of his friend’s mouth.

“I’m sorry.” The man had started sobbing, still holding his stomach. “I’m really sorry, please don’t kill me.”

And suddenly, it had become hard to watch for Spencer. His own voice echoed to the man’s in his head, begging for Tobias Hankle to let him go. He tried to stay, but the man kept crying, and it was too much. 

“I’ll wait for you in the car,” he said before turning around. 

Elle ignored him. She barely heard him, too caught up in what she was doing to pay attention to her surroundings. She placed her foot on the man’s torso and forced him to lay in the grass. She got on top of him and, still wearing the latex gloves, put a finger in his wound. 

Spencer heard the scream of pain, but kept walking towards the car.

“Men like you,” started Elle, pushing her finger deeper in the flesh, “are the reason why I swore to myself not to have children.” She paused. “How do you like having someone penetrating your body without your consent, uh ?”

She put another finger, and the man screamed even louder.

Meanwhile, Spencer had pushed the sleeve of his shirt above his elbow. Sat in the passenger seat, the door open, his head threw back in pleasure, needle still in hand, he stayed like that for a good fifteen minutes. It was the second gunshot that snapped him out of it. 

He put his shirt back correctly, shoved the needle in his messenger bag and tried to make his hair look decent. Elle came back a few seconds later, taking her – now bloody – gloves off. 

“What’s up with you ?” she asked, getting in the car. “You’re acting all weird.”

“You just killed a man, but I’m the one acting weird ?” Spencer scoffed in return, closing the car door. 

“Fair enough.”

As she started the car, Spencer said :

“Shouldn’t we hide the body ?”

“Don’t bother, he’s not worth it,” she replied.

“Or at least cover it ? There are blankets in the trunk,” he insisted. 

Elle raised an eyebrow.

“Am I smelling remorse, Dr. Reid ?” she smirked. 

Spencer opened his mouth, fully offended this time. 

“I- No… D-don’t profile me !” 

Elle laughed as they drove away.


	3. you may call me doctor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a bit longer, I hope you'll like it :)

A few weeks later, Elle and Spencer had established a routine. They would check in the shittiest motel they could find, and stay there three, maybe four days, and then take off, driving for hours. Once every few towns, they would abandon their car and steal a new one, just in case. 

While they stayed at the motel, they would go out one night, at a bar or a night club. Spencer would always leave first, getting in the car before Elle would come out with some guy she had chosen. Once the man got in the passenger seat, hoping to spend a wild night with the beautiful women that she was, Elle would lock the doors while Spencer knocked the man out, hiding in the backseat. 

They would take the man to an isolated place, often a field or a forest. Then, Elle would do her thing.

Spencer had started to stay around after the fourth body. The sight of the men begging for their life had become bearable and, after the sixth, Spencer had found himself quite enjoying it. Elle’s expression would always make him refrain a smile, as she stuck her fingers into the men’s wounds for several minutes, digging deeper and deeper each time.  
They wouldn’t hide the body, because they didn’t deserve it. Those men were either rapists or sex offenders, they deserved nothing but death.

Spencer and Elle would just drive away into the night, windows open, Spencer’s hair going wild into the wind as they laughed, just happy to be together. 

Maybe they should have eased down on the body count because, somewhere in Quantico, a team of profilers had just been assigned a new case. 

*

“Thank you all for coming so fast. I hope you all have your go-bag, because this unsub loves to travel.”

Aaron Hotcher had arrived ten minutes before his team, and they were all already gathered around the table. 

“He sure does,” said JJ, putting her blonde hair up in a ponytail and getting the remote. “So, the body of an unidentified white male was found this morning in the field by the owner of said field.”

The body was on the screen, all bloody. It was the one Elle had killed the night before. 

“He has been shot twice : once in the stomach and once in the genitals.” 

Morgan winced while Prentiss scoffed.

“Well, someone is angry at men,” she said. 

“Yeah,” JJ answered. “All nine bodies have been found with the exact same wounds.” 

All the bodies were now on the screen, and Garcia turned her head :

“Too much dead people for me.”

JJ smiled and Hotch asked :

“Any signs of torture ?”

“It appears that the wounds on the stomach are larger and messier than usual gunshots wounds, one of the coroners thinks the unsub must have put something in it, maybe a stick or the handle of a knife-”

“Could be a finger,” Morgan said.

“Are you suggesting the unsub poked in it ?” Garcia asked, horrified. 

Morgan shrugged. 

“It’s possible.”

“Why have we just been assigned the case anyway ? It’s the ninth body,” Emily said, looking through the file. 

“The killings were all a week or so apart, and in different states. None of them made the headlines, so I guess no one made the connection.”

Hotch got up and cleared his throat.

“Anyway, wheels up in thirty.”

*

Elle was sitting on the bed of the motel room, going through the suitcase, when Spencer got out of the bathroom. His messy hair were still wet, dripping on his neck and wetting the collar of the white shirt he wore under his grey sweater vest. He put on his glasses and laid on the couch, his legs hanging over the edge.

“Hey,” he said, finally looking at Elle. “Why are you going through my stuff ?”

Elle looked at him, her hair getting in her eye’s way. Her bang had gotten a little too long, and she had to put it on the side if her head so as to be able to see. She shrugged.

“I was looking for a good book to read.”

Spencer eyed her suspiciously until she put the suitcase down, and then threw his head back, hanging from the side of the couch. He hadn’t used since last morning, and it already started to show. His eyes were teary and his nose runny. Furthermore, he wouldn’t stop getting shivers, and he had read enough in his life to know that those kind of reactions to stopping using for a short period of time weren’t a good sign. 

He hated to think about it and, deep down, he already knew it, but tonight was the first time he allowed himself to realize that his “little drug problem” wasn’t that little anymore. It had become an addiction. He guessed it had been from day one, but he hadn’t seen himself as an addict until now. 

Addict. Spencer didn’t like that word, especially when his brain was using it to describe him. 

“I was thinking,” Elle started, interrupting his train of thoughts, “That you could chose, tonight.”

Spencer sat up, his brows furrowed. 

“What do you mean ?”

“Well,” Elle got up. “I’m always the one bringing the vics. Maybe you could try, for once.”

Spencer thought for a second. He hadn’t thought about it before. He had been completely okay with just assisting Elle, until now. 

“Yeah, I could try.”

*

When the jet landed, Prentiss and Morgan went to the morgue, while JJ, Hotch and Rossi went to set up at the local police station. 

“And then it gets weird,” the coroner said, showing the wounds on the victim’s stomach to Prentiss, while Morgan went through the report. “I found traces of latex in those wounds.” 

“So the unsub wore gloves and put his finger in the vic’s wounds ? Prentiss thought out-loud. “Why would he do that ?”

“Torture ?” Morgan said, shrugging.

“That doesn’t make sense, there are no other signs pointing to a sadist. The shot to the genitals was done post-mortem, if the unsub wanted to inflict the most pain possible, he would do it while the men were still alive.”

“Yeah. This is weird,” Morgan agreed. “Did you find any DNA ?” he then asked to the coroner. 

“Nope, and no sign of sexual abuse either.”

“What’s the point in all of this ?” Prentiss wondered, her eyes on the messy wounds.

*

When they got back to the station, Hotch and Rossi had already dressed the victim’s board, while JJ was dealing with the press.

“We couldn’t find any links between the victims,” Hotch said. “Garcia didn’t find anything either, except that two of them have had charges pressed against them for sexual assault, but it could be a coincidence.”

“The unsub wore latex gloves, and he certainly did poke into the wounds ante-mortem, but the shot in the groin was done post-mortem,” Morgan replied. “This doesn’t make any sense, this guy is highly organized, but he isn’t a sadist, nor a sexual offender.”

“Maybe they were robberies that turned bad ?” Rossi suggested.

“No, most of the victims still had money on them, only the id and driver license have been taken,” Hotch said. 

Morgan raised his eyebrows.

“Souvenirs ?”

“More likely a forensic countermeasure, given how smart the unsub is. The later we identify the victim, the slower we investigate,” Hotch said. 

Prentiss was sitting farther from them, her hand under her chin. Rossi looked at her :

“I can tell you’ve got an idea,” he said, getting her out of her thoughts. “Care to share with the class ?” 

“Well, the shot in the genitals makes me think that the unsub could have been a victim of sexual assault themselves,” she started. “If you think about it, the act of poking through bullet wounds is a form of penetration.”

“But in that case,” intervened Rossi, “The unsub is probably a woman.” 

“They’ve all had a concussion, which means the unsub knocked them out before taking them to the place where they killed them, which is also the disposal site,” Hotch remarked. 

“Some of these men are huge,” Morgan said, pointing at a particularly tall victim. “Reid would have a bunch of statistics to prove that, but I’m pretty sure a woman couldn’t lift them.”

“So we’re back to square one,” Emily sighed.

“We could be looking at a team,” Hotch said. 

They all stared quietly at the victim’s board, all thinking the same thing : that if Reid was here, he would have seen something they hadn’t.

*

Reid was sat at a table in a corner of the club, pushing his glasses up on his nose way too often, his leg bouncing. He craved a dose now, and the sight of his messenger bag combined with the knowledge of what was in it wasn’t helping him. 

What was helping him, however, was Elle on the dance-floor. She was dancing on her own, turning her back to every men – and women – that tried to join her. Her movements were so graceful and flawless to Spencer, as if she was the perfect dancer among all those half-drunk people. He couldn’t help but fixate on her curves, and the way she moved in impeccable rhythm with the music. 

He could have stared at her like that for hours, admiring everything there was to love about her. Her hair, her legs, her attitude, her face… The list was endless to Spencer, but their eyes met, and the young man looked away. He was glad the lighting could hide the fact he was as red as Elle’s lipstick right now.

He finally got up, only to go tell Elle that he was going to the bathroom, his hand stalling a little time around her ear. When he got to the bathroom, he didn’t even wait for a stall to be free, and just pushed his sleeve up and got what he needed from his messenger bag. It only took him a few seconds, and he almost moaned when the liquid entered his veins. 

Guilt slapped him in the face when he put the needle back in the bag. What the hell was wrong with him ? He hated himself for doing that, for messing up his body like this. 

That’s when he saw a man coming out of a stall. He had a needle in his hand, too. 

“What are you looking at, huh ?”

Spencer was surprised by the man’s aggressive tone, but decided that this exact man was the one he would bring to the car tonight.

“Heroin ?” he asked, standing in the doorway.

“None of your dam’ business,” the man answered, trying to get through him. But Spencer put his hands in front of him to keep the man from getting too close.

“I can sell you some,” he said, smiling. 

*

“So,” Elle asked. “Why did you choose him ?” 

She was driving, and they could both hear the man’s body rolling in the trunk with each turn they took. 

“He’s an addict, no one will notice his disappearance before a few days, if ever,” Spencer lied. 

They stopped at the edge of a forest, and after they got the man out of the trunk, Spencer turned to his friend.

“Can I handle it this time ?” 

Elle raised her eyebrows, surprised. Spencer wanted to take the lead ? That was going to be something. She had waited for him to participate since she had shot the first man, but until now he didn’t seem particularly interested in doing anything but watching. She nodded, curious about how her friend wanted to do this.

Spencer grabbed the unconscious man by the collar, held him against the car, and slapped him so hard that the man’s opposite cheek hit the car door in a dull sound. He woke up as Spencer pushed his glasses up his nose, and the man’s eyes were filled with confusion at first, but it quickly turned into terror when he saw Spencer’s face so close to his. 

Spencer smirked.

“Listen man, you- you don’t have to do this.”

Spencer ignored him and got something out of his pocket. The blade shined under the moonlight, before he put it under the man’s chin. He liked the feeling of control running in his veins, new and unfamiliar.

“WOW DUDE !” the man screamed, putting his hands above his head. “What are you doing ? Put that shit down !”

“I don’t think you understand,” Spencer said calmly, tilting his head. “You’re not in position to give any orders.” 

He slid the knife across the guy’s face, from his chin to his forehead. The poor man was shaking from head to toes, and was begging for his life once more :

“Please, let me go, I don’t have any money.”

Elle was watching from a few feet away, with a curious look. She would never have thought that Spencer’s weapon of choice would have been a knife. 

“But you have something else, don’t you ?” Spencer whispered.

“This is about drugs ? What the hell, dude !”

The man quickly stuffed his hands in his pockets, getting three little bags filled with white powder out of them. 

“Here, that’s all I have, take it !”

Elle was intrigued. What the fuck was this about ?

“Give me your needle, too,” Spencer growled. 

The man did as he was told with a confused look. Suddenly, Spencer’s hand flew from the man’s face to his stomach, quickly stabbing him. The sound that escaped from the man’s mouth was pure pain as he started crying. 

“Don’t be so loud,” said Spencer, pushing his glasses up his nose, leaving the blade in the wound. “I didn’t touch any organ, you won’t die…” he paused, looking the guy right in the eyes before adding : “Yet.” 

He took the knife out and let go of his collar. The man fell, and Spencer told Elle to watch him while he went to get something in the car. She instantly took a few steps and got her gun out, pointing it threateningly on the man, who was starting to bleed out. 

“You move, you’re dead, understood ?” 

He didn’t answer, too busy crying, and she shot in the air, making him flinch.

“Yes, yes,” he whimpered. “I und- I understand.”

“Apply pressure on the wound,” ordered Spencer, still in the car, going through the glove box. “You don’t want to die from blood loss, do you ?”

When he came back, he just had a little bottle of water in his hands, along with the bags of heroin and the needle. 

He spilled half the bottle on the floor and, while Elle kept her gun pointed toward the man, he poured all the heroin in the half-filled bottle, one little bag after the other. He closed the bottle and shook it a few seconds, to mix the drug and the water together. 

“Too much dude, you gotta dilute it more,” the man said, weakly. “You’re gonna overdose.”

“That’s not for me,” Spencer replied, in a very factual way. 

He put the needle in the bottle and filled it slowly. 

“Elle, push his sleeve up please,” he said, looking at the needle. 

Elle obeyed, understanding everything. The drug wasn’t for Spencer. It was for the man. 

After that, Spencer took Elle’s place beside the man, but she still had her gun on the man’s head. With very precise movements, Spencer took off the man’s belt in a second and tied it around the guy’s arm.

“Wow, you did that fast,” Elle said, impressed. 

“Not the first time I take off a man’s belt,” Spencer replied, not putting much thought into it.

Elle chuckled, not that surprised. She watched as Spencer waited for the man’s veins to appear, toying with the blade. After a minute or so, he looked at the needle again, and held the man’s arm firmly. 

“No, no no no !” the man panicked, trying to get away, but Elle cocked her gun and he stayed still. “Dude, you don’t understand, this is gonna kill me.”

“Don’t call me dude,” Spencer snapped, looking up at him, throwing his hair back. 

He pushed the needle through the skin, making the man squeal.

“How the hell do you want me to call you then ? I don’t know your fucking name.”

“You may call me doctor,” he shrugged, before finally injecting the drug in the man’s body.

It only took 17 minutes for the man to die. His pulse got slower as he took shallow breaths, until his chest stopped moving and his hand fell from his wound. Spencer wiped his bloody blade on the man’s shirt, closed his eyelids, and Elle and he got into the car. 

“So ?” Elle asked after a few minutes of driving. “How do you feel ?”

Spencer thought for a second. He wasn’t sure, actually. He knew he had felt something, watching the man slowly die, the life leaving his eyes as he took a last painful breath, but he wasn’t sure how to categorize it. 

“It felt good,” he said after a moment.

Elle took her eyes off the road for a second, looking at her friend.

“And how do you feel now ?”

Spencer didn’t answer.

Elle stopped the car a few minutes later, on an empty parking lot. Spencer looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

“Why did you stop ?”

Elle unbuckled her safety belt and turned to him.

“Okay, what’s up with you ? You’ve been acting weird.”

“I just killed someone, Elle, how the fuck do you want me to act ?” he answered, wiping a strand of hair from his face.

“It’s not just that,” she started, shaking her head and biting her lower lip. “You’ve been acting weird since we left Quantico. Something is definitely going on with you.”

Spencer didn’t answer. The burden of a heavy silence was still better than having to explain what was, as she said, going on with him. There were too many things, and he didn’t know where to start : Her departure, Gideon’s, or his drug addiction ? Tobias Hankle wasn’t even on the table, it was just one of those things he couldn’t say out loud because his throat would get too tight, like how his mom used to be on a really bad day. 

“Talk to me, Spencer,” she said. 

And her voice was so gentle, and her hair looked so fluffy, and her lips seemed so soft. Spencer couldn’t think of anything but her lips, and he for sure didn’t want to talk about all the things going on in his head. 

So he leaned over, and shyly pressed his lips against her friend’s. They did be soft. When she started kissing back, Spencer felt something he hadn’t felt in a long time. It had been months since any intimate contact with anyone because, after Tobias Hankle, he just didn’t feel like going out and meeting people anymore. He hadn’t even realized he had missed that until this moment. 

They separated and looked each other in the eye for a second before their lips crashed again, with more passion this time. All shyness was gone, leaving only desire between the two of them. Spencer had grabbed Elle’s face, and was getting both his and her hair out of the way every time they would fall on their faces. Elle’s hands were navigating from Spencer’s shoulders to his back, over his sweater vest. They wandered on his chest for a moment, before Elle untucked his shirt and put her hand directly on the warm skin. Spencer winced and froze. Elle pulled away, a worried look on her face.

“Sorry,” she said, smiling awkwardly. “I should have asked if it was okay.”

Spencer thought for a second, staring at his knees. It was Elle, she wouldn’t hurt him. Yeah, he could trust her.

“I was just a bit surprised that’s all,” he said, glancing at her. “Come back ?” he then asked, half-smiling. “Please ?”

And coming back she did. With as much energy as before, if not more. Her hands stayed on the top of the sweater vest, but Spencer wanted to give her more. He wanted more, too. As his tongue slipped between her lips, he took her hand and put it on his waist, where she had left off.

Elle’s hands started both wandering over and under Spencer’s clothes, cold against the burning skin. Spencer would get shivers down his spine, and the sensation went a bit lower. He blushed, hoping Elle wouldn’t notice, and slapped himself mentally for reacting like a fourteen years-old prepubescent teenager. 

Elle unbuckled his seat-belt, and even the slightest friction that ensued made him hard. Elle chuckled as she took his chin in one of her hands. She bit Spencer’s lower lip, and the young man let out a small moan, which made him blush even more. 

“S-sorry about that,” he stuttered between two kisses.

Elle smiled, and her hand dangerously approached his abdomen. 

“It’s okay, I can take care of it,” she said, before quickly adding : “Only if you want to, of course.”

“I very much want to,” he let out in a breath before kissing her again. 

As their tongues slowly discovered each other, Elle undid his pants and slid her right hand in them, brushing against the soft fabric of Spencer’s boxers. He was already hard as hell, and Elle wondered how long it had been since someone had touched him. 

She took his length out, stroking it a few times before taking it in her hand and starting to jerk him off. Spencer moaned between kisses, one of his hands running through Elle’s hair, while the other clung to her shoulder.

Spencer’s breath quickly scattered and became harsh. His head was buried into Elle’s neck, his hands in her hair, eyes closed. She increased her pace, and Spencer couldn’t help but let out a loud moan :

“Oh, God, that feels great.”

Elle smiled and, with her free hand, grabbed Spencer’s hair and gently lifted his head before kissing him harder than ever. 

“I’m about to come. God, I’m going t-“

Spencer threw his head back in pleasure as his orgasm hit him, the heat and wonderful sensation travelling from his crotch up to his head, leaving him with dizziness and euphoria. It was like getting high, in a way. 

As he slowly recovered from climaxing, Elle managed to get tissues from the glove box and cleaned Spencer up, along with his clothes.

He wanted to say something but, when he opened his mouth, Elle kissed him so hard he forgot what he had in mind. She started driving again, without a word, and Spencer fell asleep within fifteen minutes.


	4. not like you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's another update ! enjoy :)

“Another body has been found,” Garcia said to Hotch on the phone. “A few hours from where you are.”

“Thanks Garcia,” the unit chief answered before hanging up. He then turned to JJ. “Can you please call the local police and tell them that we’ll be here ASAP ?”

“Yes Sir,” she answered, already dialing a number. “I’ll tell them to leave the crime scene untouched.”

“Thank you JJ.”

The team hadn’t found anything new since the ninth body has been discovered, and they all hoped that answers would come with the tenth.

As soon as they arrived on the crime scene, Morgan and Rossi went to look at the body while Hotch and Prentiss talked to the woman who had found him.

“I saw this guy on the side of the road, and at first I thought he was asleep or something,” the woman started. “So I stopped the car, and I was about to ask him if he needed a ride when I saw all the blood.”

“Thank you Ma’am,” Emily said, turning to the crime scene for a second. “Did you see anyone on your way here ? It’s pretty early and this place is isolated, I assume not many people take this road.”

“I don’t remember seeing any car,” the woman replied, crossing her arms.

“Anyone by foot ?” Hotch asked.

She shook her head. Hotch gave her a card.

“Call if you remember anything that could be helpful. Thank you for your time.”

The woman left and Morgan walked up to them. His eyebrows were furrowed and he put his hands on his hips.

“White man in his mid-twenties. Died of an overdose after being stabbed once in the stomach.”

“That’s a complete change of MO,” Emily said.

“Come see that !” Rossi yelled from where he was standing, right next to the body.

They all gathered around him as he showed them the dead man’s arm.

“Look, the man clearly had a tourniquet on, but where is it now ?”

“His pants seem a little too big for him, but he isn’t wearing a belt,” Hotch said. “He may have used it as a tourniquet.”

“But it’s gone now,” Morgan said.

Emily crouched next to the body and examined the man’s arm.

“This man was using frequently. Are we sure the unsub made him OD and didn’t just stab him ?” He could have OD’d on his own after being attacked.”

“If that were the case,” Rossi said, “We would have found the tourniquet by now. The unsub must have took it as a souvenir.”

They all contemplated the body for a few seconds before Emily got up again.

“I don’t think that’s our unsub’s work,” she said.

“Me neither,” said Hotch. “I’ll send a picture of the victim to Garcia, see if she can find who he is.”

*

When they checked in yet another bad motel, Elle fell asleep before Spencer had time to unpack his stuff. So, as not to wake her up, he quietly got out and decided to take a walk in the park, which was only a few minutes away.

The park was full of children and parents. It was almost 1 pm, and some people where picnicking. It was windy, and his hair were all messed up because of it, endlessly getting in the way of his glasses. Some kids were feeding ducks with bread, and teenagers were laughing in the grass.

He hadn’t taken dilaudid since last night, in the club’s bathroom, and it showed a little. His mouth was dry and he was sweating way more than usual but, honestly, he didn’t crave it. Maybe the orgasm had sort of compensated for it.

He strolled around the lake and, eventually, he sat down on a bench and took a piece of paper out of his messenger bag, along with a pen and a book as support.

_Dear mom,_

_I hope you’re okay, and I’m really sorry that I’m not able to read your letters. I’m sure there’s a ton of them waiting for me at my apartment, and I promise you I’ll read them all when I get home. I still can’t tell you where I am, or when I’ll be back at Quantico, I’m sorry._

_I know I haven’t written to you for more than a week, and I apologize for that. Things might have gotten a little intense these last days, but this is far better than I could have dreamt of. The road trip is going very well, and my friend and I are having a great time. I think you’d like her. My friend, I mean. She’s really nice, but she can get pretty bossy sometimes._

_Again, sorry for not reading your letters. Take care of yourself, and don’t be too hard on those poor nurses, we both know how you can be._

_I love you._

_-Spencer._

He put the piece of paper in an envelope, on which he wrote the address of the psychiatric hospital where his mom was staying, and licked the sticky part before closing it. He posted the card on his way back to the motel, with no return address.

*

He slowly opened the room’s door, trying to be as quiet as possible. When he closed the door and turned to see if his friend was awake, he found her still asleep under the covers. He could see the gun under the pillow from where he was standing, and even though he already suspected she was sleeping with it, he still felt unsafe for a second, knowing she could easily kill him anytime.

But it was Elle, she would never hurt him.

He went out again, because he was hungry, and Elle would probably be too when she would wake up. He went to the Chinese restaurant across the street and, as he went in, he pushed his hair away from his face at the same time the small bell on top of the door rang.

“Hi, do you want a table ?” the owner of the small restaurant asked, smiling.

A TV was playing on the wall behind him, showing a reporter’s face next to nine pictures of faces Spencer all recognized. Those were the men Elle had killed.

The owner followed Spencer’s eyes and glanced at the TV.

“Crazy, right ? Nine people get killed, and even the freaking FBI can’t find the bastard who did this,” he scoffed. “So ? Do you want a table ?”

“Hum, no thanks, do you do takeouts ?” Spencer asked, still listening to the reporter’s voice.

“Yeah sure, just tell me what you want.”

Spencer ordered a few things he knew Elle liked, his eyes still on the screen. He waited a few minutes before the man came back with the food.

“Thank you,” he said, smiling awkwardly, taking the bag in one hand. “Hum, excuse me Sir,” he added before leaving. “You said the FBI was trying to catch the person who did this ?”

“Yeah,” the man shrugged. “A special unit, BI…W or something.”

Spencer looked at the TV again, his eyes widening as it now showed a blonde woman giving a press conference.

“You mean the BAU ?”

“Yeah, BAU, that’s it. Why ?”

But Spencer had already left.

*

When Elle got woken up by the noise, her hand grabbed the gun that was under her pillow by instinct, before she realized the only person in the room with her was Spencer. She rubbed her eyes and saw her friend disposing food on the little table, at the other side of the room.

“What’s all this ?” she yawned, getting out of bed.

Spencer ruffled his own hair, a little embarrassed.

“Well,” he started, clearing his throat. “I got Chinese takeout.”

“I can see that,” she giggled. “I meant the white napkin, and the glasses, and the plates.”

“It was in the drawer,” Spencer explained, blushing.

Elle didn’t understand. They had always eaten on the couch or the bed, in front of whatever was on the TV. And all of a sudden, Spencer was dressing up a table and… was that a rose at its center ?

“But why did you…” she started, before pausing. “Wait. Is that about what happened last night ?”

Spencer jointed his hands, anxious. Elle’s tone made it seem like it had been nothing for her. A one night stand. A way for her to release the frustration of having to watch him kill someone. A mistake. Just a quick hand job in a car. But for Spencer, it had been so much more than just a hand job.

He felt stupid. How could he think there was more than friendship between them ? Elle was an independent women. She didn’t need a man to bother her. Or anyone, for what it mattered. But Spencer wanted it to be more. So he took a deep breath and started speaking very quickly, in a high-pitched voice :

“I really like you and I understand if yesterday meant nothing to you, and if you want me to be just your friend I’ll be happy to do so.” Elle tried to interrupt him, but he kept talking. “But if it were to mean even the slightest thing to you, I do not want it to be just sex. I want it to be romantic, and passionate, and everything I can give you and more. If anything were to happen between us, please, let’s not make it all about sex because..."

He stopped there, only thinking the next words : _"Because I know I will fall in love with you.”_

He had said all of this so fast that he only breathed when he was done. Elle was looking at him, mouth slightly open. She had never heard Spencer say anything so personal and yet so openly. She didn’t know how she felt about him. Yes, she liked him, of course she did, how could you not like Spencer ? But after being shot and having her own blood spread across the walls of her house, she had a hard time letting people in. She didn’t feel safe anywhere anymore, hence the gun under her pillow. But maybe, just maybe, she could trust Spencer. He would never hurt her, would he ?

She wanted to tell him so many things. But she didn’t know how to. It had been so long since her last relationship. So fucking long. And she didn’t want to mess up the one that hadn’t even started yet with Spencer, but considering the look on Spencer’s face and his teary eyes, it seemed her silence was telling the opposite of the words she had in mind.

“You know what ?” said Spencer, taking his glasses off and wiping his eyes with his sleeve. “Forget about all of this. Let’s just eat.”

They sat at the table in silence, Spencer doing his best to avoid Elle’s eyes. During the ten minutes that followed, Spencer barely ate, toying with his chopsticks instead. He eventually cleared his throat and said :

“I saw JJ on TV,” his tone of voice was flat and factual. “The team is on the case.”

“What does their profile say ?”

Elle hadn’t eaten much either, even though everything that was on the table were her favorite, but still more than her friend.

“They, uh, they don’t have one yet,” he paused. “You know, it felt weird to see her again.”

“Are you still in love with her ?” Elle asked, glancing at Spencer.

It had never been a secret that Spencer loved the communication liaison with his whole heart, but no one knew if the blonde reciprocated his feelings.

“Why does it matter to you ?” he spat.

His voice had become harsh and defensive, and Elle preferred not to answer.

“What if they find us ?” Spencer asked after a few seconds of silence. “I don’t want to go to jail.”

“Me neither,” Elle scoffed. “I’d rather be dead than locked up.”

“But I don’t want to die either,” Spencer muttered.

Elle’s silence, once again, was saying a lot.

“They won’t catch us anyway,” she said, finally taking a bite of her food. “We’re too good.”

“They are also very good at profiling,” Spencer pointed out, taking a sip of water. “I… I don’t know if I want to keep doing this, Elle. I really don’t want to go to jail.”

Elle dropped her chopsticks in her plate.

“And abandon what we have ?”

“Oh, because all of us sudden we have something ?” Spencer snapped, pushing his hair away from his face.

“We’re partner in crimes ! Remember what I told you when I came to your house ? You and-“

Spencer cut her off and did a – quite good – impression of her :

“-Me, a stolen car, shitty motels ?” he then raised his voice, dropping his chopsticks too. “Of course I remember, I have a fucking eidetic memory !”

“And you want to leave all of this behind ?” Elle got up so quickly her chair fell off. “You think you can go back to a normal life after that ? After everything we’ve done ?”

Spencer got up too, pushing his glasses up his nose.

“You mean everything you’ve done,” he replied, emphasizing the ‘you’ and trying to remain as calm as possible.

“But you’re a part of this too, Spencer !” Elle screamed, getting closer to him. “You killed a man last night ! We’re in this together now, whether you like it or not !”

“It was a one-time thing !” he yelled back. “I’m not a serial killer, I’m not like you !“

He suddenly stopped, his voice breaking. His eyes had started watering, and his throat got only tighter with Elle’s words :

“Not like me ?” she shouted. “Yeah, because I’m a horrible person and being like me is the worst thing that could happen to you, right ?” her eyes were filled with tears, too, and she kept getting closer.

“That’s not what I meant,” Spencer said in a trembling voice. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Then what the hell did you mean ?”

“I don’t know, okay ? Just…” Spencer put a strand of hair behind his ear, but it fell right back on his face. “Let me- Just let me think about this. I need to think about this,” he stuttered, his voice breaking a bit more with each word.

Elle took another step and snatched Spencer’s glasses from his face before throwing them across the room.

“STOP FUCKING THINKING,” she cried. “With your stupid glasses ! And your stupid hair ! And- And… And your stupid mouth !”

“Why the hell did you do that ?” Spencer asked in a high-pitched voice.

“Because I like you too you idiot !”

And, just like that, their mouths crashed against one another. Clothes flew across the room as Spencer fell on the bed, his back on the sheets, Elle above him. Kissing sounds resonated in the room.

“I’m sorry for yelling,” Elle said between two kisses, her hands on Spencer’s chest.

The young doctor loved this sight. Elle sat above him, only wearing her underwear, disheveled and trying to catch her breath.

“It’s okay,” he replied, smirking. “I like it when you scream.”

Elle chuckled.

“Unfortunately for you, I’m more of the quiet type.”

“Oh don’t worry,” Spencer said. He sat down, leaning on his elbows. “I’ll make you loud.”

“Yeah, we’ll see about that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi ! just to tell you that every time one of you comments on this fic it makes my day ! thank you for reading this :) :)


	5. something special for your birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey ! new update :)
> 
> i hope you'll like it ;)

The very next night, Elle had killed another man again, and they had left the town, as always. They had slept in the car, and Spencer had gotten high while Elle was sleeping. She still didn’t know. To make the guilt of lying to her go away, Spencer went to buy croissants and coffee for the both of them before Elle woke up.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” he said when she opened her eyes.

His voice was so soft that she couldn’t help but put a hand on his face and kiss him briefly. Spencer blushed and handed her the hot cup of coffee. 

“I, uh, I got coffee.”

“Thanks.”

They drank and ate in silence before checking in a new motel. Spencer got a book out of his messenger bag, along with his glasses. He needed them to read, even though one of the lenses was lightly cracked.

*

When the time came to go into a club and stick to their routine, Spencer ordered a glass of water for his dry mouth, as always. He then leaned over Elle, and said in her ear :

“Can I handle it again ? I want to try something else.”

“Wow, okay, Mister I’m-not-a-serial-killer,” Elle laughed. 

Spencer stuck his tongue out and got up, on his way to hunt his next victim. 

*

When they got the man out of the trunk, Spencer immediately grabbed him from behind and put his knife around the man’s throat. The twenty-something years old man closed his eyes, moaning in fear under the tape. Spencer took the tape off violently.

“Give me the drug,” he ordered, and the young man got a bag of cocaine out of the pocket of his jacket.

“You- you can let me g-go now,” he stuttered. “I promise I… I won’t say anything to- to anyone. P-please, I promise.”

“Shut up,” Spencer said calmly, and the boy started silently crying instead. “Elle, can you please tie his hands ?” 

After that, Spencer explained clearly :

“If you try to run or fight, my friend will shoot you. She is a very good shot, I wouldn’t try anything if I were you.”

The boy nodded, crying harder. And then, Spencer finally let go of him, only to make him fall to the ground by hitting the back of his knees. He teared apart the back of the boy’s shirt with his own hands, exposing his back bare. The cries were only getting louder. 

“Oh my God, plea- please, don’t… don’t do this. Let me go !” 

“Shhhh,” whispered Spencer. “It’s alright.” 

He got his half-broken glasses out of his pocket and put them on before crouching behind him, the knife still in one of his gloved hand, a flashlight in the other. He then started cutting through the skin, and the boy let out a small scream. Elle glanced at Spencer for a moment. She never knew Spencer had it in him. This boy was full of surprises. The thing that surprised her the most was probably the look on his face as he carved into the boy’s back. Spencer was smiling, and his eyes were all lighten up behind his glasses.

He cut a few deep lines in the crying and screaming boy’s back.

“Please, please stop. I’ll do, I’ll do anything you want !”

“Anything ?” Spencer asked, getting up. 

“Yes !” the young man screamed. “Anything !” 

“Well”. Spencer poured the cocaine on the back of his latex glove and put it in front of the boy’s head. “Snort that.”

The boy snorted a part of it without asking any questions, he was in too much paint to protest. 

“All of it,” added Spencer when he stopped.

“It’s too much, I can’t.” 

Spencer shrugged and got the knife out of his pocket again.

“OKAY, okay ! I’ll do it. Just… just don’t cut me, please.”

*

“What’s the cause of death ?”

Prentiss and Rossi were standing in front of the young man’s body, in the coroner office. It had been too far from their previous location to keep the crime scene intact without the body starting to decompose.

“Overdose by cocaine,” said the coroner. “Let me turn him around so I can show you something.”

When he was done, the two profilers bent over the back of the victim, observing the deep cuts.

“There are 6 cuts in there. I didn’t find any pattern, they seem to represent pretty much nothing but rage. It was done very precisely, though, and with a steady hand.”

“Does that mean the unsub may have had any sort medical training ?” Rossi asked.

“Well, it’s not necessary but yeah, he could have.”

Prentiss looked through the report for a few seconds before asking :

“Did you find anything in the wounds ?”

“Nope. Nothing. And any well sharpened knife could have done that.”

Rossi sighed. 

“The MO has changed again. Are we sure that’s our guy ?”

“Well,” Emily said, crossing her arms. “He still died from an OD, like the other one. And we didn’t find a belt on him”

“But the last body that was found had the same MO as the nine others,” Rossi said, trying to understand. “Only this one and Thomas Bridgeton’s murders have been different. Plus, this guy snorted cocaine, he wasn’t injected heroine. Maybe he wasn't wear a belt. Maybe we’re on two or even three different, completely unrelated cases.”

“I don’t know,” Emily paused for a moment, shaking her head. “I’m sure they are linked somehow, even though we’ve got no evidence. It’s like I can feel it.”

*

After another body corresponding to the first MO, and another again correspond to the second MO this time, found in different cities, the team had decided that the cases were unrelated, but Emily still thought there was some sort of connection between them.

“It’s driving me crazy,” she said to JJ.

They were both in a black SUV, driving back from another press conference in which JJ had had to repeat that they didn’t know anything yet and were still working on the profile of the first murderer.

“I don’t know a lot about profiling,” JJ said, carefully. “But these cases look nothing alike, except for the dumping sites, but it’s probably just a coincidence.”

“And the fact that they were all abducted from bars or clubs which had no surveillance cameras,” the black-haired woman added, glancing at her colleague. 

“That could also be a coincidence. It’s very common.”

“Yeah, but our unsubs also both travel a lot. It’s a lot of coincidences, don’t you think ?” Emily sighed.

She didn’t blame the rest of the team for wanting to focus on only one case, since following two at the same time was leading them nowhere, but she knew something wasn’t sitting right with this. She had that gut-feeling screaming to her that they should continue digging into the OD murders as well. But it wasn’t her call, she had to follow orders.

*

When Spencer came back to the motel after getting groceries, he was welcomed with a completely dark room. Being deadly afraid of the dark, he tried to turn the lights on, but didn’t know where the switch was, since he had gone directly to the store when they had arrived, half an hour sooner. He wasn’t wearing his broken glasses, as he didn’t want to attract attention in public. 

“Elle ? Are you here ?”

When he finally managed to find the switch, the room lit up and Elle jumped from behind the door.

“Surprise !” she exclaimed, throwing confetti on Spencer’s head, who looked confused.

“What’s all this ?” he asked, shaking his head to make the confetti fall from his already messy hair.

The room had been quickly decorated with colorful garlands, and a cake was standing proudly on the round table.

“Happy birthday, Spencer,” she smiled, and Spencer couldn’t help but smile in return.

“Y-you did all of this-” he showed the whole room with one hand “-for me ?”

“Of course I did, you idiot,” Elle answered, still smiling. “Do you like it ?”

“I absolutely love it,” he said, putting the groceries bag down and hugging her.

He buried his face in her neck and kissed her several times there, making her bend her neck and try to escape. 

“Stop it ! You know I’m ticklish.”

He stopped and looked at her, and his eyes were screaming all the things he wouldn’t dare whisper. He kissed her softly, on the lips this time, and she kissed back almost instantly, wrapping her arms around his neck and running her hand through his hair, which were starting to get too long. 

“Your hair needs cutting,” she said when Spencer pulled away. 

“How is it yours doesn’t seem to grow ?” he asked, almost whining. 

Elle touched her own hair, which were still as short as when they had left Quantico, a few months ago now. 

“I cut it regularly,” she shrugged.

Spencer furrowed his brows and opened his mouth.

“Is that why you spend so much time in the bathroom ?” 

“Yeah,” Elle answered. “What did you think I was doing ?”

“I don’t know,” Spencer admitted. “Girl stuff, I guess.”

Elle laughed in front of his childish expression. 

“I could cut your hair. I mean, if you want.”

Spencer smiled. 

“I’d like that, thank you.”

“But first,” Elle said, pushing him towards the table. “Eat your birthday cake !”

*

After eating the cake (which had resulted in Elle laughing at Spencer for having chocolate around his mouth), Elle made Spencer sat down on a chair after he got his hair wet.

“Don’t move if you want it to be even.”

Spencer couldn’t see what she was doing, but he did his best to stay still. Hair fell to the floor in clipping sounds, and Spencer could feel his head getting lighter with each strand Elle cut. When she was done, she dried his hair with a towel and told him to wait for it to dry completely.

When it did, indeed, dry completely, Spencer was very happy with the result.

“Where did you learn to cut hair like that ?” he asked, looking at himself in the bathroom’s mirror, putting his hair correctly behind his ears. 

“My father used to give me my haircut. But then he died and I had to learn to do it myself.” Elle replied while cleaning her scissors.

Spencer nodded quietly. He knew her father was a sensitive subject. 

“Anyway,” Elle said, putting the scissors in her duffel bag. “I wanted to do something special for your birthday.”

“OooOoOh, what kind of thing ?” Spencer asked, very curious.

“You’ll see.”

*

They were at a club. As usual, Spencer was sitting near from a wall while Elle was dancing, a beer in hand. He was looking at her, stars in the eyes, his chin resting in one of his hand. She came to him, a big smile on her face, and grabbed his forearms. 

“Come dance with me !” she screamed over the loud music. 

Spencer shook his head. 

“You know I don’t dance.”

“Come on ! It’s your birthday ! Enjoy the moment !” Elle sighed.

“I’m enjoying it from my seat, thank you.”

Elle rolled her eyes and went back to the dance-floor, smirking. She had an idea that would for sure make Spencer lift his cute little ass from that damn chair. 

This time, when a man started dancing with her, she didn’t make him go away. Instead, she smiled widely and kept on dancing, until the man started to get closer and closer. As he was about to put his right hand on Elle’s waist, another hand grabbed his wrist. He turned his head and met Spencer’s eyes, which were filled with anger. 

“Who the hell are you ?” scoffed the man. 

“I’m her boyfriend. Go the fuck away if you don’t want me to hit you in the face with a chair,” Spencer answered, his chest rising as he took deep breaths.

The man got away from his grip and stepped back.

“Jeez, relax.”

Spencer turned his back on him and leaned over to Elle, his mouth close to her ear. 

“What was that ?”

She smiled. At least he had stood up.

“I thought you didn’t dance,” she answered.

Spencer smiled. This woman was unbelievable. 

“Anyway,” she went on, “I’m getting impatient, go choose someone.”

*

When Spencer got out of the club, followed by a young man, and got to the car which was parked in a dark street, he saw Elle already waiting for him. They approached her. 

“Is that your provider ?” the young man asked. 

She raised her Glock 19 toward him.

“Try again,” Spencer smiled before Elle knocked him out with the handle of the gun.

They tied him up and Elle opened the backseat door. 

“Why are we not putting him in the trunk ?” Spencer asked, getting his glasses out and putting them on his nose.

He was getting headaches if he didn’t wear them for a long time. Elle shrugged. 

“See for yourself.”

Intrigued, the young doctor opened the trunk, to find another unconscious man already lying in it.

“Are we about to pull off a double murder ?” he asked, his voice getting high-pitched due to the excitement.

“Yep,” Elle answered. “I hope you like your birthday present, dear.”

*

Hotch, Prentiss, Rossi and Morgan were all standing over two dead bodies, in the middle of a field.

“What the fuck,” Morgan said, furrowing his eyebrows.

One of the corpses – the youngest – had his back covered in bloody cuts and his lips were blue, while the other had a few messy bullet wounds in his stomach, and one in the crotch.

“Told you it was connected,” Prentiss shrugged.

“We’ve got to rework the profile,” Hotch sighed. 

Rossi scoffed and put his hands in his pockets.

“I guess we are dealing with a team, after all.”


	6. anywhere but here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i still don't know how many chapters this fic will have, but we're approximately in the middle !
> 
> enjoy

“Shit !” Spencer exclaimed from the bathroom of the motel room as he turned the water off.

Elle was sitting on the bed, reading Of Mice and Men, which she had stolen from Spencer. She liked it so far, but she wondered where the story was going, and mostly how it would end. Not raising her eyes from the pages, she asked :

“Is everything alright ?”

“Yeah,” Spencer replied through the door. “I just forgot to take my shampoo.”

Elle was already up and reaching for Spencer’s suitcase.

“Don’t bother coming out, I’ll get it from you.”

Spencer, who had already gotten out of the shower, let out a sigh of relief as he put his towel down :

“Thanks.”

Suddenly, he grabbed his towel again and started to dry himself frenetically :

“WAIT ! NO ! DON’T !”

He panicked. She couldn’t go through his stuff, what if she found the only thing he didn't want her to know about ? He put on his underwear and pants as quick as he could, causing him to almost fall and smash his head against the sink.

“Why ? You’ve got things to hide ?” Elle smirked, opening the suitcase.

She looked for the bottle of shampoo for a few seconds, taking button-up shirts and sweater vests out on the floor, until her hands closed on a few little glass bottles.

Spencer got out of the bathroom, hastily buttoning his shirt as his wet hair were falling on his eyes.

Elle got up and turned to him.

“What is that ?” she asked, even though she already knew the answer, showing Spencer the bottles and the few needles she had in hands.

The color drained from Spencer’s face as he raised one hand in front of him.

“I-I can explain,” he stuttered.

But he could see her put the pieces together as her eyes lit up.

“Is that why you’re always so tense ? Is that why you’ve been different since we left Quantico ? Each time you left to get groceries, did you put that shit in your body on the way ?” she snapped.

“I told you I could explain !” Spencer cried.

“Then fucking explain ! Because if you’ve been high all this time I swear…”

She put her hands in her hair, looking at the ground. What the hell was happening ?

“It wasn’t my fault,” Spencer started, grabbing his glasses from the bedside table and putting them on. “While you were gone I… A case went bad.”

“How bad ?” Elle asked, slowly looking up.

“Really bad,” he answered, meeting her eyes. “I couldn’t…” his throat got tight and his lips started shaking. “I couldn’t do anything but watch him put the needle in my arm and I-“  
His voice broke, and he looked away, holding back the tears.

“After that, I just couldn’t take it anymore,” he whispered after a few seconds. “And I started using on my own.”

“Why ?” she asked, taking a step toward him. “You could have gotten help. You could have talked to someone. You could have done literally ANYTHING and you chose to become an addict ?”

Spencer's vision got red. She had no rights to say that. She didn’t know what it was.

“Oh, because you think I chose this ?” he screamed as his eyes widened.

Elle sighed and put the dilaudid and the needles on the table.

“I’m just saying you had other options.”

Spencer took his glasses off in a split-second and got so close to Elle to the point where they were breathing the same air.

“You take that back,” he growled. “Or you look me in the eyes and tell me again that it was a choice, if you dare.”

She stayed quiet, waiting for the storm.

“When it became too hard for you, you left. When it became too hard for Gideon, he left, too.”

Elle opened her mouth in surprise – she hadn’t known about Gideon until now – but Spencer didn’t let her speak.

“The only choice I made was to stay, while yours was to flee the BAU. So you and your other options can fuck off.”

All of a sudden, there was something applying pressure on Spencer’s stomach. He looked down, discovering Elle’s gun on his shirt.

“Step back,” she ordered, holding his stare.

“Or what ?” Spencer chuckled. “You’re going to shoot me ?”

Elle didn’t answer, but she cocked her gun.

“Then do it, shoot me,” he said, detaching each word. “COME ON !” he then shouted when she didn’t react. “SHOOT ME !” He threw his glasses across the room in rage, and Elle didn’t battle an eye. “SHOOT ME !”

Spencer grabbed her hand and brought the barrel on the gun to his forehead, tears running down his face.

“BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT IF YOU HATE ME THAT MUCH !”

Elle lowered the gun down.

“I don’t hate you !” she replied. “I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me ! I could have helped you !”

"I'm glad I didn't," he said. "Because look at how you're reacting now that you know."

He turned around and started packing his stuff.

“Where are you going ?” Elle asked, putting her gun in the waistband of her jeans.

“Anywhere but here.”

Spencer wasn’t even looking at her and, after thirty seconds of throwing things in his luggage, he was at the door, suitcase in hand and his messenger bag around his neck. He had dried his tears with his sleeve, and his tie was hanging around his neck, untied.

“Goodbye, Elle.”

“Wait you-you’re leaving ?” she stuttered. “The whole world let us down, and now we’re giving up on each other, too ?”

He looked at her sadly and went out in the hallway. As he started walking away, Elle’s eyes landed on his broken glasses lying on the floor, where he had thrown them earlier.

“You forgot your fucking glasses !” she yelled while throwing them at him, hitting the back of his head.

She didn’t even wait for him to turn around and closed the door, resting her back against it. She sat on the floor, her head in her hands, and broke down crying. How the hell had she let that happen ? She had seen the red flags. She should have known. She should have confronted him about it.

But she hadn’t, because she was bad a communicating, and now she was crying, alone in a shitty motel room. She wanted to go back, to make it right, to say something to him, anything that could have made him stay.

Only she hadn’t said anything, and now Spencer was gone.

*

Spencer was sat at a bar, turning his broken glasses between his long, slim fingers. The lens that was already slightly cracked before the argument that had occurred this morning was now totally smashed, holding on by some sort of miracle.

He was about to ask for a glass of water when a man sat next to him. He seemed in his late twenties, just like Spencer, and he had short dark messy hair going in all directions. He was attractive, and Spencer shifted in his seat, a little uncomfortable.

“Hi,” the guy said with a smile. “I saw you over there and I was wondering if I could buy you a drink ?”

Spencer blushed and smiled a little. He wasn’t used to that kind of attention.

“Yeah, sure, hum, no problem,” he answered, shrugging.

The man ordered a beer for himself and turned to Spencer :

“What do you want, handsome ?”

Spencer blushed even harder.

“Just, uh, just a diet coke, thank you.”

A few seconds after that, their drinks were here, and Spencer thanked the man again.

“I’m James, by the way, what’s your name ?” he said, sipping his beer.

“Spencer. Nice to meet you.”

He took a sip of coke, which relieved his dry mouth.

“So, Spencer,” James started, smiling again. “You come here often ?”

Spencer shook his head.

“Not really. I’m just passing by.” He took another sip of his glass and, seeing the questioning look on the man’s face, added : “Road-trip.”

“Oh, yeah, cool. Wait, you know what kind of place this is, right ?” the man asked, tilting his head.

“Yeah, yeah I do,” Spencer chuckled.

The man laughed. And this laugh warmed Spencer’s abdomen.

“You scarred me. I thought you were straight for a second.”

Spencer smiled, still fidgeting with his glasses.

“Sounds like fourteen years old me.”

They both laughed. James pointed at Spencer’s drink.

“You don’t drink alcohol ?”

The young doctor smiled awkwardly. He hated lying.

“I’m on medication.”

It wasn’t a lie, technically : Dilaudid was an opioid analgesic prescribed to relieve pain.

“So, James,” he changed the subject, clearing his throat. “What brings you here tonight ?”

“It depends if by ‘here’ you mean this bar or this exact seat,” the black-haired man grinned.

Spencer put a strand of hair behind his ear.

“Both, I guess.”

“Well,” James answered. “I had nothing to do, so I came here. And for that seat, it was right next to a very pretty guy, so I thought, ‘why not’” ?

“You, uh, you’re not that bad yourself,” Spencer smiled.

James raised an eyebrow.

“Not sure if that was a compliment,” he laughed. “But I’ll take it as such, thanks.”

“It-it was,” Spencer quickly said. “It was a compliment."

James took a long sip of beer, and Spencer couldn’t help but look at his Adam’s apple

“I’m just messing with you.”

Spencer looked away. Something didn’t feel right.

“Hey, you okay ?” James asked, concerned.

“I don’t know,” Spencer answered, honestly. “You mind if I go outside for a second ?”

He didn’t wait for the man’s answer to get up and leave the bar, taking a deep breath of fresh air as he leaned against the brick wall.

After a few minutes, James got out too and approached him cautiously.

“You okay there, Spencer ?”

Spencer let out a deep sigh and took a few steps towards him.

“Yeah, I, uh, I got overwhelmed, that’s all.”

And, out of nowhere, he gently put his hands on James’ shoulders and asked :

“Can I kiss you ?”

Caught off-guard, James blinked a few times before answering :

“Yes, yes you can.”

Spencer took his chin in one of his hands and slowly put his lips on James’, who had grabbed Spencer’s collar. Their lips moved against each other’s as James pushed Spencer against the brick wall.

“Wait. Wait.” Spencer suddenly let out in a breath, pulling away.

His eyes met James’, filled with concern.

“Did I do something wrong ?”

Spencer shook his head, readjusting his collar.

“No, no, it was great,” he said, putting his hair back in place. “It’s just… I’m not single, I mean, half-single, I guess, since we just broke up this morning,” his thoughts were racing, and James’ was getting more and more confused throughout the conversation. “Wait. Did we break up ? I kinda just left the place,” he paused, catching his breath. “I think I miss her,” he paused again, shaking his head. “But I don’t ever want to see her again.”

James stepped back, eyes narrowed.

“So, like, are you single or not ?”

Spencer thought for a second.

“It’s complicated.”

“Yeah, I think you could say that,” said James before bursting out laughing. “Jesus Christ, I don’t know what is going on between the two of you, but it seems to be a lot.”  
“That’s an understatement.”

*

Elle was still sleeping at the motel, even three days after Spencer had left. Maybe he would come back. Or maybe not. Elle had no way to know, since they had both left their phones in Quantico. She hated herself for hoping her friend would come back. She didn’t need anyone, especially not Spencer.

But, then, if she truly didn’t need him, why was she still here ?

She didn’t want to think about it. So, instead, she took the car and went to the liquor store. At least Spencer had left by foot. While she was buying a bottle of vodka, her eyes wandered on the TV screen behind the cashier.

There was JJ, a cup of coffee in hand, saying that they were about to deliver a profile for the series of murders they were investigating. Elle sadly smiled at the sight of her old friend and left, bottle in hand.

*

“We’re looking at a team here,” Hotch started, looking at the different cameras. “One of them is a woman, probably in her early to mid-thirties and Caucasian, according to the victimology. Shooting her victims in the crotch shows us she has a deep hatred of men.”

“But she isn’t a sadist,” Prentiss followed. “Because she waits until the men are dead before shooting their genitals. Which means she is driven by revenge, and the fact that she sticks her fingers in her victim’s wounds indicates that she was probably sexually assaulted, hence her animosity towards men.”

“The second member of this team,” Morgan said, taking a step towards the journalists, “Is a white male, likely in his late twenties to early thirties. The violence he shows in his crimes is indirectly directed towards himself, as the cuts in the backs of the victims look a lot like self-harm. He kills them by overdose and it is highly possible that he is an addict himself.”

“Their team dynamic is uncommon,” Rossi added. “There doesn’t seem to be a dominant personality and a submissive one. They co-exist and both do the kills. If you identify them, do not approach. Immediately contact the authorities. The woman carries a Glock 19 and the man is an addict. They are both emotionally and mentally unstable, do not confront them as they could snap and do anything to protect themselves.”

“They’re both highly organized, and yet very different,” Hotch continued. “The woman hates others and her victims are substitutes of her abuser, while the man hates himself and uses his victims as surrogates of his own person. Moreover, the man is escalating, increasing the violence with each kill. Stay safe and please, contact the authorities if you may have any piece information about one or both of these individuals. Thank you.”

As JJ was going to answer the dozens of questions that were shouted at her while the others got back inside, she froze. The cup of coffee fell from her hand and shattered on the floor, and the outside of the police station went silent as she ran inside.

“Guys !” she yelled, and they all turned in sync. “I hate to be the one to say this, but your male profile awfully sounds like Spence.”

“Yeah,” Morgan sighed. “And the female one is very similar to Elle. Glad I’m not the only one who sees this.”


	7. I've missed you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, I hope you'll like this chapter :)
> 
> I made a playlist for that fanfic btw, it's on spotify if you want to take a look at it :) it has the same name as the fanfic
> 
> anyway, enjoy :)

“Who are they talking about ?” Rossi whispered to Emily.

He didn’t know any ‘Spence’ or ‘Elle’.

“Spencer was the guy who left a few weeks before you arrived, I told you about him once,” she answered, keeping her voice low. “But I have no idea who Elle is.”

“She’s the one you replaced,” JJ said, turning to her. “She was nice.”

“How come you never talk about any of them ?” Rossi asked.

JJ and Morgan both looked away in silence.

“She left after shooting an unarmed unsub in cold blood for no reason,” Hotch said, his face serious, as always.

“And she got away with it ?” Emily asked, surprised.

JJ sighed.

“She pleaded self-defense.”

“And she had just been through a hard phase. She got shot in her own house, and the guy stuck his hands in her wounds and wrote on her walls with her own blood.”

“Oh my god,” Rossi said, raising his eyebrows.

Emily winced and crossed her arms.

“But how did she get a Glock 19 ?” she asked.

“It was her service weapon,” Hotch simply replied. “I let her keep it.” He paused while the whole team looked at him in incomprehension. “Clearly, I shouldn’t have.”

“And what about Spencer ?” Rossi asked, still curious.

This time, Morgan answered.

“The kid had a rough time with an unsub who got him hooked on dilaudid. We thought he was getting better.”

JJ crossed her arms and blinked a few times, looking at the ground.

“Clearly he wasn’t.”

*

It had been five days now since Spencer had left. Elle considered Going back at the liquor store in the meantime, but finally decided that it wouldn’t do any good. She spent her days in the motel room, eating cheap take-out and watching TV.

She felt so lonely, falling asleep on her own under the old bed sheets. She hated that she missed Spencer so much, that he had become such a big part of her life that the moment he was gone, she didn’t know what to do anymore.

Well, she could still kill if she wanted to, but even the idea of shooting another bastard couldn’t make her feel better. She just felt empty, like something was missing. Every night she dreamt of him. His smile, his hair, his warm sweater vests.

But the Spencer she dreamt of wasn’t the one she had been murdering people with. No, the Spencer of her dreams who lived in her mind was the innocent kid who hadn’t been traumatized yet.

She dreamt of the young Spencer, who wouldn’t understand a sex joke for his life and who would blush when JJ called him ‘Spence’.

She dreamt of that twenty-four years old who would blow on trick-candles even after being told they wouldn’t die out.

She dreamt of that boy who would ask her why he couldn’t get a date, when all she wanted to do was to ask him out on one.

She dreamt of that boy who had just got out of college, thirsty for knowledge even though he already had a whole ocean in his head.

This was the Spencer she dreamt of. The one who was sweet, and unintentionally funny, and socially awkward, and too precious for this world. The one who couldn’t shoot a gun and was afraid of dogs barking at him. The one who hadn’t looked death in the eyes yet. The one who still had hope for a good future, a long career filled with joy and happiness, who wanted to get another PhD, or two, maybe three.

That Spencer was gone. She had felt it the second he had showed up on her door, bags under his eyes bigger than ever, bearing all the weight of the world on his shoulders, so desperate he had thrown his whole life by the window for the sake of a murderous road-trip with her.

She thought about that when she fell asleep the fifth night. And also about how, no matter which Spencer she was with, they always seemed to understand each other. Most of the time, there was no need for words between them.

Five days ago, words would have been helpful, but they were still stuck in Elle’s throat, and maybe that was what made it hurt so badly.

*

When Spencer showed up on the motel’s room doorstep, at three and half in the morning, Elle almost told him to fuck off.

But when he literally fell in her arms, disheveled and dropping his messenger bag on the ground, she caught him and somehow managed to lay him on the couch.

“What the fuck Spencer ?” she asked.

Now that he was laying down, she could see his brown pupils all constricted behind his broken glasses and his shirt soaked in sweat. He was so pale he would have blended in at the morgue.

He started making small noises, and finally said :

“I think I’m going to throw up.”

Elle was surprised he could even speak, given his state, but she was glad he did because that gave her the time to make him roll on his side and hold back his hair right before he emptied his stomach on the bedroom’s floor. He blinked slowly, starting to fall asleep.

“How much did you take ?” Elle asked, putting a strand of her own hair behind her ear.

“A lot,” he managed to let out.

“Yeah, no shit.”

His eyes closed completely, but Elle wasn’t going to let that happen. She slapped him.

“Do NOT die on me, you idiot. What were you thinking ?” she grumbled while quickly going to the bathroom.

She came out with a damp tissue, knelt next to Spencer and put it on his forehead.

“You’re talking like a mom. You’re not my mother,” he said, faintly.

“Shut up,” she replied, giving him a deathly glare. “Dumb fucker,” she then whispered under her breath. “If you have a seizure I’m calling an ambulance,” she added, getting up again.

“Y-You can’t. They know it’s us.”

Elle tilted her head :

“What ?”

“Yeah, about damn time they figured it out, uh ?” Spencer chuckled, before choking and rolling on his side to throw up again.

*

It went like this all night. Spencer was sweating and shaking while Elle would clean up the vomit each time Spencer would throw up. She might not be Spencer’s mother, but she sure felt like she was.

She did her best to keep him awake, giving him some water every hour or so but, eventually, they both fell asleep. Spencer on the couch and Elle on the chair she had brought right next to him.

When Spencer woke up, the whole room was smelling so bad that he threw up again.

“I’m not cleaning up this time,” Elle warned, being woken up by the awful sounds.

“I just OD’d !” he protested.

“That’s your problem, not mine.”

As she got up, Spencer weakly grabbed her wrist :

“Hey, hum, can we talk ? Please ?”

She freed herself from Spencer’s grip and replied :

“Go take a shower first, you smell terrible.”

*

“Elle ?” Spencer called from the bathroom while drying his hair with the towel, shirtless. “I, uh, there’s puke on my shirt.” He paused, waiting for Elle’s answer, but it never came. “I left my suitcase at the reception, can I borrow you a shirt ?” He then asked.

He waited for a few seconds and, as he was starting to think she may had left the room, she knocked on the bathroom’s door twice.

Spencer unlocked the bathroom door and partially opened the door, holding the towel in front of his bare chest. Elle was reaching out for him, a polo shirt in hand. They both looked away when their eyes crossed, but Elle couldn’t resist taking a brief look at the pale skin before Spencer closed the door.

Once he had put the striped polo shirt, all colorful with red, yellow and blue stripes, Spencer slowly opened the door. Elle thought that, even though he was at least presentable now, he still looked terrible. Exhausted, sick, and awful in general, with his pale skin and the big dark circles under his eyes, with the messy wet hair and her shirt a little too big for him.

But what shocked Elle the most were the marks in the crook of Spencer’s arms. They were covered in bruises, from blue to purple, puncture marks and, the most striking, white scars. She suddenly understood why he had always kept his shirt on during the few times they had had sex, only unbuttoning it.

Spencer was obviously very uncomfortable under Elle’s stare, and quickly crossed his arms to hide all the mess which he was deeply ashamed of. He cleared this throat.

“Can we talk now ?”

He sat down on the bed while Elle took a chair.

“What is there to talk about ?” she answered, shrugging. “You’re an addict, I’m an asshole and we’re both horrible people, what is there more to say ?”

“I should have told you,” Spencer blurted out, not paying attention to Elle’s sarcasm. “I was ashamed, and scarred you wouldn’t want me anymore, but I should have told you anyway.”

“It’s okay,” Elle answered after a few seconds of silence. “I can’t really understand why or how you got to the point of being addicted to… to fucking dilaudid, but I understand why you didn’t tell me, now. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, Spencer. I really am.”

“Yeah,” Spencer said, awkwardly looking at his hands. “Me too.”

 _About her not being there for you, or you not being there for her ?_ asked the little voice in the back of his head.

 _Probably both_ , he mentally answered.

Elle got up and sat on the bed next to him, taking his hand into hers.

“And you don’t have to be ashamed. Not with me, okay ?”

Spencer nodded, pursing his lips in what Morgan used to call ‘the white man smile’. They let the silence invade the room for a few minutes, sat next each other, holding hands, so close their knees were touching.

“I’ve missed you,” Spencer whispered, leaning his head on her shoulder.

She pet his hair before turning to him, and answered :

“I’ve missed you too. No more lies, okay ?”

“No more lies,” Spencer repeated, raising his head.

A fraction of second later, they were kissing softly. Spencer’s hands ran from Elle’s hands to her shoulders and her hair, where Spencer stuck his hands to intensify the kiss. Elle pushed her tongue between his lips, wrapping one arm around Spencer’s neck while the other hand was unbuttoning the collar of his polo.

Quickly, Spencer was shirtless and undoing Elle’s belt, still kissing, more passionately. She took her shirt off, and Spencer planted kisses on her collarbone, his hands going down on her waist, gently making her shift and lay on the bed, her head against the wall. She took her bra off and threw it aside.

Spencer grabbed the pillows beside Elle and put them under her head in order to make her more comfortable. He then went down, kissing her along the way, on her shoulder blades, between her breasts, forming a line on her stomach and finally getting to her underwear.

He kissed her over her black panties, making her sigh loudly. He then took them off slowly, so slowly that it sent shivers down Elle’s spine. He kissed her inner thighs a few times before finally putting his mouth on her genitals.

Twenty seconds later, Elle was already quietly moaning. Spencer’s tongue did things she would have never suspected him to know how to do. He was licking and sucking her clitoris in ways she had never experienced, and his hot breath made it a hundred times better.

“How is it you’re so good at this ?” she sighed, ruffling Spencer’s hair with a hand.

Spencer smiled against her, answering by a long lick that made her shudder.

She sat down, grabbed Spencer’s hair, lifted his head by pulling his hair lightly and leaned in to kiss him hard. Spencer moaned in surprise and, as he was about to go back to what he was doing, Elle put a hand under his chin.

“I’ll take it from here, pretty boy,” she said with a smile.

Spencer blushed as Elle made him lay, inverting their previous position. She undid his pants and pushed them down the bed, as well as his boxers. She took his dick in her hand and started doing slow movements, making Spencer’s breath scattered as he was quickly getting hard.

Elle brushed her lips against the top of it, and chuckled when Spencer flinched.

“You’re so sensitive,” she laughed. “That’s cute.”

“Please…” he begged in return, raising his torso and leaning on his elbows to look at her. “Please, just…”

“Tell me what you want,” she whispered, smirking.

She wanted him to say it, because it would make everything so much better.

“Blow me, please,” he finally said.

“Well, if you ask so nicely.”

Elle licked the head of his cock before closing her lips around it, making Spencer throw his head back in pleasure. She started doing back-and-forth motions, going deeper each time and, when she took all of it in her mouth, the head hitting the back of her throat, Spencer let out a loud moan as he lied down completely.

“Oh my God…”

Elle got up, wiping her mouth on the sheets.

“Stay here,” she ordered, and Spencer obeyed gladly, starting to jerk himself off slowly, eyes closed.

He looked up when he heard the lid of a bottle opening, but Elle’s hand made him lay down before he had time to see anything.

Suddenly, Elle’s hand was back on his dick, along with a cold, thick liquid. She spread out the lube on his length before putting a little more on her fingers and putting the bottle aside. She put her hand under Spencer’s balls and her index wandered around his anus.

“Is that okay ?” she asked cautiously before doing anything more.

“More than okay,” Spencer answered in a breath. “I’ll tell you if anything bothers me. Just… Please.”

“Okay, great.”

Elle slowly pushed a finger inside Spencer, and he sighed. After a few seconds and some more lube, she put another finger and started slowly thrusting into him.

“God, Elle…” he moaned.

She pushed a little farther, until she hit his sweet point, making him moan louder. As she kept thrusting gently, reaching his prostate each time, she sat comfortably and used her other hand to give him a hand job.

“Fuck…” Spencer whispered, his breath harsh and fast.

Suddenly, Elle stopped, making Spencer feel empty.

“W-why did you stop ?” he asked, getting on his elbows again.

What he saw made him even harder – if that was possible. Elle, tying a strap-on around her waist, pushing her hair back in the motion.

“Is that okay with you ?” she asked, making it tighter.

“Yes, totally fine. Come here please.”

She looked down at him and grinned.

“Getting impatient ?”

“Please.”

Elle approached and stroked his cock a few times before saying :

“Turn around.”

Spencer did as he was told and laid on his stomach, exposing his bottom to Elle, who was applying a ton of lube of the dildo, as well as on her fingers. She worked him a little while with two, then three fingers, until Spencer couldn’t wait anymore :

“Please,” he begged. “Just go for it.”

Elle smiled and took her fingers out, placing the dildo at his entrance.

She couldn’t even put it halfway in before Spencer started moaning.

“Oh god.”

She let him time to accommodate to the fullness before starting to move, going deeper and deeper. As Spencer moaned with each thrust, his long fingers clanging to the sheets, sweat on his forehead, Elle took his dick in her hand from under him and slowly jerked him off.

“I’m going to come. Oh God. Oh my G-“

Spencer came in a loud cry as he buried his face in the pillows, his legs shaking in pleasure. Elle kept thrusting in him a few times before coming out and taking off the strap-on.  
She came back from the bathroom, tissues in hand, and found Spencer laid on his back, slowly regaining his strength. She cleaned him up gently, making him wince each time she touched his cock.

When she came back from tossing the tissue in the toilets, Spencer was sat on the edge of the bed and had put his boxers back on.

“It’s my turn to take care of you now,” he said, smiling nicely. “If you’re in, of course.”

“You bet I’m in,” Elle answered, sitting on his laps, her legs on each side, kissing him.

They rolled on the bed, Spencer above Elle, and Spencer went down again, licking her clit, taking back where he had left off earlier.

Elle was already moaning when he easily put a finger into her, quickly followed by a second one.

“You’re so wet,” he whispered, starting to move his middle and ring fingers.

“Just keep doing that, don’t stop,” Elle let out.

He, indeed, kept doing that for a few minutes, slightly shifting the position of his fingers a few times until Elle could do nothing else than moan in pleasure, his tongue and lips still working as well. She started to move uncontrollably, her head thrown back, her nails buried in Spencer’s shoulders, her legs sometimes kicking air and her hips raising against the young man’s face.

“Spencer,” she moaned. “You’re gonna make me c-”

Her sentence ended in an orgasmic scream as Spencer kept thrusting and licking, holding her waist down with his free hand to keep her from moving too much.  
“You may not look like it, but you’re really good at this,” Elle chuckled when her orgasm ended.

“Yeah, I’ve been told that quite a few times,” he answered, wiping his mouth with the back of his hands before coming to lay next to Elle, planting a kiss on her temple.  
They slid under the covers and fell asleep within minutes, both holding onto the same thought :

_I could get used to this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, comments are very much appreciated :) :)


	8. a fire in Vegas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey ! here's another chapter !
> 
> for convenience we're just going to assume that Hotch, JJ and Morgan had already met Spencer's mom, even though i'm not sure they had yet in season 2 (around where the story takes place, if you've followed)
> 
> anyway, enjoy :)

“We’re not that far from Las Vegas, you know ?”

Spencer had just come back from the grocery store with sandwiches, and he and Elle were both sat on the bed, leaving crumbs on the sheets.

“Yeah, I was thinking we could stop there for a few days, maybe even go to casinos or something,” Elle answered, taking a bite. “Have fun, you know ?”

Spencer bit his lips :

“I’m banned from every casinos in Nevada, but I guess you could have some fun.”

“Shit, I forgot you were a genius,” Elle laughed, kissing him on the cheek.

They ate in silence for a few minutes before Spencer finally asked :

“Could we go see my Mum ?”

“Yeah, sure,” Elle shrugged. “We can kill someone tonight and then we’ll take off.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Spencer said as he finished his sandwich.

*

“Are we sure it’s them though ?” JJ asked.

The team was sat around the table of the local police station, eating pizzas. Hotch hadn’t touched his while Morgan was sipping a diet coke, having already finished eating. Rossi, Prentiss and JJ were halfway through their meal, but all Rossi had done until now was complaining about how those from Italy were so much better.

“Well,” Morgan answered. “They both perfectly fit the profile.”

“I can’t imagine Spence doing things like this,” she said, shaking her head. “We must have made a mistake somewhere.”

“Has anyone heard about him since he has quit ?” Hotch asked, crossing his arms.

They all shook their head.

“He hasn’t been answering my calls since I showed up at his apartment a few months ago. I just thought the kid needed some time, you know ?” Morgan said.

They were all thinking the same thing. That they should have checked up on him more. That they should have made him see someone, if he really didn’t want to talk to them. Anything to keep him safe from the world, and from himself.

“We haven’t been able to predict their next stop once,” Hotch said, slightly changing the topic. “But we’re close from Vegas, and I think that if someone has any idea where Spencer might be headed, that someone is in Vegas.”

“And who would that be ?” Rossi asked.

“Diana Reid,” JJ answered. “Spencer’s mother.”

*

“Why are we in front of a psychiatric hospital ?” Rossi asked as they all got out of the SUV.

As no one answered, he realized.

“Oh. What is she in for ?”

“Paranoid schizophrenia,” JJ simply answered before going in, followed by the others.

They showed their badges at the reception, asking if they could speak to Mrs. Reid, and they were brought to a bedroom. Before they went in, Hotch turned to Prentiss and Rossi :

“I think it would be better if you two stayed outside, as you’ve never met her. We don’t want to scare her.”

The two nodded and Prentiss laid on the wall of the hallway while JJ, Morgan and Hotch knocked on the door and entered the room to find her sat in a chair with a blanket on her knees, reading. She looked up when they walked in :

“Agent Hotchner ?” she asked, surprised and confused.

Hotch went to shake her hand.

“Hello Mrs. Reid, it’s been a while. How are you doing these days ?”

“Pretty good, thanks for asking.” She smiled. “What brings you here ? I know you wouldn’t have come all the way from Quantico if it wasn’t important.”

Morgan chuckled. She reminded him of Reid.

“Well,” JJ started “Spencer quit the BAU a few month ago, and we haven’t heard from him since.”

Diana closed her book violently.

“He what ?” she exclaimed.

JJ bit her lips and looked away.

“Were you not aware of that, Ma’am ?” Morgan asked, joining his hands in front of him.

“He told me he was taking a break !” she said, eyes wide open. “This kid is unbelievable !”

Hotch, JJ and Morgan glanced at each other.

“He’s been in contact with you ?”

“Yes,” Diana sighed. “He used to write me letters every day but, since he started his road trip, he only sends one or two each week.”

“His road trip ?” Morgan asked.

“He said it was to release pressure,” she shrugged. “Why, is there something wrong with taking a road trip ?”

Morgan and JJ both looked at the unit chief, who had a very serious look on his face.

“Could we see those letters please ?” he asked after a few seconds of silent conversation with his agents.

Diana got up.

“Gladly, but answer my question first : is there something wrong ?”

“You might want to sit down for this Mrs. Reid.”

*

“How did it go ?” Rossi asked when Hotch, Morgan and JJ got back from Diana’s room.

He and Prentiss had gone to the main room, to get a coffee from the coffee machine.

“We got yelled at,” Morgan said, tilting his head.

“For ten minutes,” JJ added, nodding.

Hotch showed a box he was holding :

“But she gave us the letters anyway, come on.”

Once they got back at the station, they started reading them. All of them since Spencer had quit, actually. The first ones were a little sad – JJ cried once – and some of them were happier, even funny sometimes – Morgan held back several laughs. But they were mostly empty, just Spencer telling his mother that he was fine and couldn’t tell her where he was or where he was going, and neither when he would come home.

“These are useless,” Morgan sighed after half an hour of silent reading. “He doesn’t say anything that could lead us to them. There isn’t even any mention of Elle.”

“He does talk several times about a female friend,” Prentiss replied, putting down another letter.

“Nothing tells us it’s Elle,” JJ pointed out. “Maybe he really is on a road-trip and we interpreted this the wrong way.”

All heads turned to her.

“What ? Don’t take that hope away from me.”

“We don’t want it to be true either, JJ,” Hotch said.

“I’ve never wanted to be more wrong,” Morgan added, leaning back in his chair.

Hotch got up.

“Anyway, those letters aren’t useless,” he said. “If he keeps in touch with his mother, maybe he’ll come visit her, especially since their last murder was only a few hours away.”

He paused.

“We’ll take turns staying in front of the psychiatric hospital under cover until the next murder, just in case. Prentiss, JJ and Morgan, you’ll stay here and get some sleep. Rossi and I are covering the first shift.”

*

After a few days and several shifts, Rossi and Hotch were, once again, drinking coffee outside of a bar, pretending to have a regular conversation.

“Do you really think he’ll just show up like that ?” Rossi asked, putting his sunglasses on.

“No,” Hotch answered, putting his coat back in place so that it would cover his bullet-proof vest completely. “He’s too smart.”

Rossi tilted his head and raised his eyebrows :

“Well, not that smart, apparently.”

  
Hotch turned around, and his eyes landed on Spencer Reid himself, wearing broken glasses and his usual sweater vest, walking in the street as if everything was normal, putting a strand of hair behind his ear. Hotch immediately called for backup as they approached him slowly, pulling out their guns.

“FBI, DO NOT MOVE !” Rossi yelled.

“Rossi no !”

Spencer turned away and, in a split second, his fight-or-flight response kicked in, resulting in him running away.

“FUCK !” Rossi yelled as he and Hotch ran after him.

Spencer was scarred. He knew he couldn’t outrun them, so he had to think, to use his mind, to outsmart them. Yeah, that, he could do. So he quickly calculated the shorter way to were Elle was parked, according to the streets and the average people density.

Unfortunately, it included a ten feet jump. But, hey, he would cross that bridge when he would get to it.

The young doctor was running, his tie flying behind his shoulder, taking short-cuts, narrow streets and dark alleys. He was getting to the jump soon, but he tried – and failed – not to think about it.

“REID, STOP !” Hotch screamed.

He and Rossi were gaining ground, and Spencer started to climb the emergency stairs of a building. The jump was right there. He had a few seconds. He estimated the height. He wouldn’t die, but he could get hurt badly. He pushed his glasses up his nose and breathed deeply.

_Relax. If you get needlessly frustrated, your joints will tense up. This increases the risk of potential injury._

“TURN AROUND AND SHOW ME YOUR HANDS !” Hotch shouted from below while Rossi climbed the emergency stairs as quick as he could.

Spencer turned around, his thoughts were racing.

_Land on both your feet, it will absorb the impact better. An imbalanced fall can result in severe injury. You should aim for a diagonal roll. Pushing yourself into a roll with one foot will avoid placing stress on your spine. Aim a shoulder to the ground in the direction you want to roll in. Take a foot and hit the ground with it to give you the extra force you need to complete the roll._

He slowly raised his arms. Rossi was almost there.

“There’s nowhere to go kid !”

Spencer’s breath was scattered, both from all the running and the stress of what he was about to do. He pushed his hair from his face and tucked them behind his ears.

_Relax, Spencer. Relax. Deep breaths. You’ll be fine. It’s just physics._

He turned around again and, as Hotch yelled his name, he jumped, following the instructions in his head.

_Landing on both feet : check._

_Diagonal roll : check._

_Getting up : check._

_Losing your glasses in the process : check._

_Wait,_ he thought, _that was not in the instruction manual._

He quickly picked them up – the already damaged lens more cracked than ever – and started running again under Rossi’s stare. There was a jerrycan laying there, and Spencer took it as an opportunity. He stopped running for a few seconds and spilled it on the floor, right where he had landed.

He got a lighter out of his pocket and, as Rossi was pointing his weapon at him and Hotch was yelling repeatedly : “DO NOT SHOOT HIM, DO NOT SHOOT HIM”, he lighted the gasoline puddle up and ran away again.

“That was at least nine feet high !” Hotch exclaimed when he joined Rossi. “Is he okay ?”

“I don’t know where you found that kid,” Rossi started, half-impressed, half-annoyed, “but he’s good. And he has just started a fire in Vegas.”

*

When Elle saw Spencer running towards the car like his life depended on it, she stopped drinking her beer and started the car before opening the passenger door for him. He practically jumped in his seat, panting, and slammed the door while yelling :

“DRIVE !”

Without asking any questions, Elle pressed the accelerator and drove, taking directions from Spencer.

“What the hell happened ?” she asked after a few minutes, once Spencer had caught his breath.

“They were waiting for me,” he answered, getting a strand of hair out of his face. “Shit, I should have known this was a bad idea.”

“The team ?”

“Only Hotch and some other old man – turn right – who, now that I think about it, looked a lot like David Rossi.”

Elle raised an eyebrow.

“You mean the profiler who retired years ago to write books ?”

“He came back, apparently. Probably to replace Gideon.”

Elle was quiet for a few seconds before asking :

“Have they replaced me ?”

Spencer bit his lips.

“Yeah, they have. Her name is Emily Prentiss, and she’s very ni-”

“I don’t want to know about her,” Elle cut him off.

Spencer looked at his knees. Elle would normally go on and on about how she didn’t care because she was the one who had left, after all. But she didn’t, and Spencer thought that was why he felt so uncomfortable.

“She’s not as good as you are,” Spencer muttered. “I always liked you better. She doesn’t even-”

“Stop it,” Elle snapped, her hands clenching around the steering wheel. “I don’t want to know about her.”

They kept driving in silence for hours and, after changing cars, Spencer fell asleep.

Elle glanced at him. He looked like a child, when he was sleeping, with his hair falling in front of his eyes and his arms crossed over his chest, his head resting on his own shoulder in an uncomfortable position that would cause him back pain in a few years.

She knew he didn’t mean bad by telling her she was better than that Emily Prentiss. But she didn’t want to know. Being replaced always hurt more than everything, whether your substitute was better or worse than you.

It made her wonder. Would Spencer replace her, someday ?

She looked at the young doctor, and smiled when she noticed the thin drool thread at the corner of his mouth.

He wouldn’t. It was Spencer, he would never hurt her.


	9. stay with me

“I can’t believe we missed them !” Hotch sighed.

“We had him,” Rossi explained to the rest of the team. “And then he jumped from a ten feet tall wall and lit a fire.”

“Wait, are we still talking about Reid ?” Morgan asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Not the Reid we used to know.”

They all turned to Hotch.

“What does that mean ?” Emily asked, tilting her head and crossing her arms.

“He has changed,” the unit chief answered, clenching his jaw. “I had never seen him like that. He looked tired, and he was sweating way more than usual, even after running. His neck was red from being scratched too many times.”

“His glasses were totally smashed, I don’t know how he could even see with them,” Rossi added.

“I can’t explain it,” Hotch sighed. “Something was off about him, you should have seen the way he looked at me before jumping…”

JJ brought a hand to her mouth and looked away :

“Oh God.”

*

Emily heard a big noise coming from the room she had just passed. She stopped, furrowed her eyebrows and turned back to go check what the hell was happening in there.

“Is everything okay ?” she asked as she half opened the door.

She heard a loud sigh before a familiar voice said :

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

She came in the room, finding Derek sat on a chair, his head in his hands.

“You don’t seem fine,” she replied, closing the door behind her. “I heard-” she started, before her eyes found the hole in the wall. “Oh, I see. What did the wall do make you so angry ?”

Derek chuckled.

“I’m sorry I…” his voice broke before he cleared his throat. “I lost my temper for a second.”

Emily nodded and sat across the table.

“Do you want to talk about it ?” she asked, shrugging.

“It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.”

“Don’t-“

Derek looked up, and Emily could practically see all the guilt that filled his eyes.

“I went to his place and he was packing, he told me he needed more time. A few days before the first body was found. I was right there, and I did nothing.”

He rubbed the back of his head.

“I should have stayed with him, or asked him to come with me.”

“You didn’t know,” Emily reassured him.

“I should have.”

Emily sighed. She understood why Morgan was feeling so guilty – even though it wasn’t his fault at all. It was common among unsubs’ close friends and families.

“How could you have known ?”

Derek slammed his hand on the table.

“He’s my best friend and I’m a fucking profiler ! I should have known, that’s all.”

Emily put her hands on top of his, not totally covering his large palm.

“Look at me, Morgan.” They looked at each other in the eyes. “You couldn’t have predicted this. None of us could have. None of us knew. It’s not your fault.”

Derek looked away for a second.

“Then why do I feel so bad, uh ?”

*

When Spencer woke up, rubbing his eyes and wiping the drool on his chin with his sleeve, yawning, the sun was already setting. He turned to Elle, who was smiling while looking at the road.

“About time you woke up,” she yawned herself. “Would you mind driving for a few hours, I really need sleep.”

“Anything for you,” Spencer smiled, his voice all weird and croaky from just waking up.

Elle didn’t know if that was hot or cute. However, what she knew was that right now, all she wanted to do was to kiss Spencer until none of them could breathe anymore. So she stopped the car on the side of the road and, as they changed seats, she pinned him against the car door, slamming it with his back in the process, and put her lips on his.

“Wow, easy tiger,” Spencer chuckled. “I just woke up.”

Elle’s hands wandered in Spencer’s already messy hair.

“And I’ve been staring at you for hours.”

Spencer played with a strand of Elle’s hair, smiling.

“Aren’t you supposed to look at the road when you drive ?”

Both their smiles got wider before they kissed again, more softly this time. Spencer was the one to pull away.

“Go to sleep, I’ll drive. Just tell me where to go.”

“Wake me up in two hours,” Elle said, opening the passenger door. “I’ll tell you then.”

*

JJ was quietly drinking coffee when Rossi entered the room she was in, holding a cup himself. Her head was resting on her hand as she sadly looked at the board, where Spencer’s and Elle’s face were displayed.

“What’s going on in that heavy head ?” Rossi asked as he leaned his back on the wall.

“I can’t stop thinking about that night,” she whispered.

“What night ?”

She took a deep breath. She didn’t really want to talk about it, but David was on the team, too. He deserved to know. And she needed to get it out.

“The night Spencer was kidnapped.” She paused, not sure about whether or not she should keep going. “He and I were looking for an unsub. We split up.” She sighed. “Biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”

Her throat got tighter, but she kept going.

“When I looked for him minutes later, he was gone. We only found him a few days after.” A tear rolled down her cheek. “He had been beaten up, and drugged, and both mentally and physically tortured, all of this because we split up.”

David took a few steps towards her :

“Hey, you can’t blame yourself. We split up all the time.”

“I messed up,” she cried. “I messed up, and now Spence is going around killing people all because of me.”

*

“Where are we going ?”

Spencer had been following Elle’s directions but couldn’t understand where they were headed. They were far enough from Las Vegas now, they should have stopped a few hours ago.

“There’s a cabin in the woods, about two hours from here. Just keep driving.”

He licked his lips and his fingers clenched around the driving wheel - he was so thirsty and, honestly, it had been a little too long since he had last gotten high. Hopefully in two hours he could relax. So he drove into the night, without a word, until Elle told him to get off the road and follow already drawn tracks on the forest's floor.

They parked in an empty clearing.

“I don’t see a cabin,” Spencer remarked, squeezing his eyes.

Elle got out of the car and took her duffel bag from the trunk.

“Yeah, we still have to walk for half an hour. Come on.”

*

The first thing Spencer did when they entered the small cabin was to excuse himself to the bathroom, his messenger bag still around his neck.

Elle sighed. She knew what he was doing in there. But she didn’t want to argue, she was too tired to get mad at him, really. So when Spencer came out and found her asleep on the bedroom’s bed, he smiled and fell asleep next to her, the drug in his blood making it easier to slip into the darkness without fearing the nightmares.

They got woken up by the sun-rise, the rays of sunshine gently crawling on their skin, illuminating their faces as they slowly opened their eyes.

“I’m gonna make us some coffee,” Elle said after kissing Spencer’s forehead and stretching.

“No,” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. “Stay with me.”

And he was so cute that Elle couldn’t help but smile and get back under the covers, laying against him. She ruffled his hair and he giggled.

“What is even this place ?” he asked in a yawn.

“I used to come here with my dad when I was a kid,” she answered, looking at the ceiling. “It has belonged to my family for so long I’m sure it isn’t in any data base Garcia could put her hands on,” she added before Spencer could ask the question. “They won’t find us here.”

“That’s great,” Spencer smiled. “You can stay with me forever now.”

Elle laughed.

“I’ll still have to get up to take a shower, eventually.”

Spencer brought her closer and kissed her neck.

“That can wait.”

And Elle, as she fell back asleep in his arms, thought :

_I could get used to this._

*

When Rossi saw Hotch coming into the room with yet another cup of coffee, he scoffed :

“Isn’t that your third in less than two hours ?”

Aaron looked at his watch and sighed.

“Yes.”

“How long has it been since the last time you’ve slept ?”

Aaron looked at his watch again before taking a sip out of his cup.

“Approximately thirty-two hours, why ?”

David took the cup of coffee out of the unit chief's hand and pushed him towards the resting room.

“You, Aaron Hotchner, are going to sleep for at least ten hours before I kick your ass, you understand me ?”

Aaron weakly smiled.

“I can’t, Dave. Not while knowing what Spencer is going through.”

“What is it with you people ?” David exclaimed. “JJ and Morgan can’t stop talking about the damn kid either. He is an adult, he isn’t your responsibility !”

Aaron turned around to face his colleague, and said :

“That’s where you’re wrong, Dave. He is my responsibility, and I’m going to find him and fix everything.”

“What you’re going to do is sleep until Garcia finds anything about where they might have gone,” David replied, pushing him once again towards the couch, pointing at him with his index. “You need to rest.”

*

It had been nine days since they had started living at the cabin. A new routine had been established. One without the blood, the screams and the violence.

This routine was softer, calmer, and Spencer absolutely loved it. He loved the way Elle would bring him coffee to bed when she would wake up before him, or how he would read her to sleep, picking a different book from the old bookshelves each night.

He loved their movie nights, when they would watch something old-fashioned and lame while cuddling under the bed sheets, and their strolls in the forest, both laughing as Spencer would mess around with dead – yet colorful – leaves.

He loved everything about this new life, and so did Elle, even though she kind of missed the adrenaline of killing people and then making out with Spencer in the car before driving off.

She would always remember the night when, out of spite, Spencer had decided to make pancakes at 8:00 pm, just to prove her he could actually cook. He had ended up burning some of them and spilling batter all over the kitchen’s counter while Elle watched.

She had laughed so much that night that her cheeks muscles had hurt until the next morning. But the rare pancakes Spencer had managed to make had been good, though, and the shared memory of eating them while messing around with whipped cream had made it worth all the struggle.

She had fallen in love that night, watching Spencer from over the counter as he was slightly burning his hand trying to take a pancake out of the pan.

She had thought, at that exact moment, that what the two of them had become made it worth all the struggle in the world.

*

It had been more than a month now since Spencer and Elle had gone completely off the grid.

Hotch was losing his sleep over it, while Morgan had started running faster each morning to try and forget about it for an hour or so. JJ often cried herself to sleep, thinking about the boy she had always considered as her little brother, and about how that innocent boy didn’t exist anymore.

Prentiss and Rossi were doing everything they could to distract their friends and colleagues, but nothing seemed to work : the BAU had turned into a constant funeral for someone who wasn’t even dead.

Garcia, on the other hand, had never worked that much her whole life. Each day, she would look for clues for hours, any signs that could have told them where Spencer and Elle were, but she had found nothing so far.

No security footage, no mysteriously stolen car, no murder with their signature, no credit card records. She had looked everywhere, but it was like they had just disappeared into thin air since they had spotted them in Las Vegas, a month and a half ago.

But, this morning, she sent a text to the BAU group chat when something popped on her computer.

“Garcia, are we sure it’s them ?” Hotch asked as soon as he arrived to work.

“Yes, Sir,” Garcia answered. “They’ve done it again, and it got worse.”


	10. fun doesn't age

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the quite late update (it's 23pm where i am as i'm posting this), got a bit overwhelmed by schoolwork
> 
> enjoy anyway :)

Spencer had always wondered what love would be like.

What it would be like to love someone to the point where you would die for them, and they would do the same for you if you asked them to.

That month spent with Elle, in her family’s cabin, had answered his question. And the answer was so much better than whatever he had imagined. All those mornings in bed, the dinners they shared each night, their almost daily pillow fights… all these moments spent together, he had enjoyed and cherished every second of them.

When she woke him up that morning, Spencer didn’t even complain about how early it was, because her smile made up for everything. She ruffled her already messy hair, laughing, as he struggled to open his eyes.

“Wake up Spencer, I’ve got something planned for us today.”

“What is it ?” he said, trying – and failing – to keep his eyes open.

“You’ll see,” she answered, getting out of bed. “Hurry up !”

*

Spencer had thought about what Elle wanted to do for all the five minutes he had spent under the shower. A pic-nic ? A stroll ? An ambitious undercover trip to the store ?

He had thought about at least a hundred ways they could spend the day, but being repeatedly pined to the forest’s floor hadn’t even crossed his mind.

“You know I can’t fight !” he whined while getting back on his feet, dusting his shirt.

“This is exactly why I want to teach you !” Elle replied. “Come on, you have to learn ! How will you survive if you can’t defend yourself ?”

Spencer shrugged. He was getting tired of this.

“I just won’t pick fights with anyone and I’ll be fine !”

Elle laughed.

“People will eventually pick fights on you. Are you ready ?”

“No I’m n-“

She, once again, tackled him before he could finish.

She was on top of him, smiling in victory, her hair falling on the side of both their faces, like drapes separating them from the forest. They were so close, breathing the same hair, Elle’s legs spread apart so that Spencer’s could fit between them.

Elle’s laugh died when Spencer’s lips crashed against hers. He grabbed her neck to pull her closer, and his hips moved upward briefly. He kept taking her hair out of the way with his other hand as he deepened the kiss, getting more and more passionate with each second, as if he couldn’t get enough of her.

He had never kissed her like that. With that much feelings. He was putting so much of himself into it, almost like he would die if his soul didn’t get in the kiss as well.

When Spencer stopped to catch his breath, he looked her in the eyes and couldn’t help but blurt out the words his mind screamed each second he spent with her :

“I love you.”

Elle smiled.

“Yeah, me too.”

They kissed again. And again, and again, and again, on the dead leaves and the dirt, as if nothing else mattered, until Elle got up.

“Don’t you want to take this to the bedroom, pretty boy ?” she smirked.

She took her hands and helped him up. He sunk into her arms and kissed her again before whispering :

“I’m not sure we’ll make it there but, yeah, we can try.”

*

They were still kissing when Spencer sat on the edge of the bed, Elle on top of him, her hands thrown around his neck as he struggled to unbutton his shirt. She undid his pants as their mouths were still linked, their lips brushing against each other’s so softly that it felt like kissing the sky.

Spencer was already half-hard when Elle started to jerk him off. He moaned against her lips, finally managing to completely open his button-up shirt, and then took Elle’s top off, stopping the kiss for a second.

Their lips met again as Spencer undid her bra and tossed it aside. His shirt was still hanging on his shoulders as he broke the kiss to take one of Elle’s nipples in his mouth, licking it slowly, making her clench her jaw. She pushed Spencer lightly to make him lay on his back and quickly took her pants off before getting on top of him.

Her hand was still stroking his cock, using her elbow to support the weight of her body, while Spencer was sucking her other nipple, his right hand sliding into her panties and starting to rub her clit while the left one held her hips to uphold her.

“I love you so much,” Spencer said, echoing to what he had said earlier of the forest’s floor.

“I’m pretty sure I love you more than you do,” Elle answered, smiling, before kissing him.

She grabbed his hair and pulled them a little, making Spencer moan again.

“I’m pretty sure this is bullshit,” Spencer answered, breaking the kiss, "Although I believe love can't be quantified-”

He wanted to go on about how much he was in love with her, but she had took her underwear off in a second and was starting to sit on his erection, taking him aback.

“Oh God,” he moaned when his dick went all the way in her.

Elle moved slowly at first, Spencer holding her hips while her hands were on his torso. When she started riding him faster, one of his hands got to where their body met so that his thumb could rub her clitoris, making them moan in sync.

 _Yeah, I could get used to that,_ Spencer thought as his orgasm hit him a few minutes later, seconds after Elle, before realizing that, after more than a month spent in the cabin with her, he had already gotten used to their life together.

And he wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

Especially when Elle got up and took him by the hand, bringing him to the bathroom. He was a little confused, but everything got clearer when Elle turned the tap of the bathtub on.

They both slid in the bathtub once it was half-filled. Spencer had discretely spilled some liquid soap in it while Elle wasn’t looking, and now they were surrounded by foam. Elle was laid down on one edge of the tub, Spencer’s head resting on her chest, and she couldn’t keep her hands from messing with his not-yet-wet brown fluffy hair.

“They got long again,” she said softly.

“I like them like that,” Spencer replied, taking some foam in his hands and blowing on it to make it float in the air.

Elle laughed and shook her head.

“How old are you again ?”

“Fun doesn’t age, Elle,” he answered, turning around to look at her.

When she leaned in to kiss him, she was welcomed with foam being blown on her face and a giggling Spencer.

“Got you !”

“Very funny,” she said, wiping the foam from her face.

Spencer gently grabbed her wrists and put them aside to kiss her on the lips.

“Turn around,” he said and, after she raised her eyebrows, added : “I'd like to wash your hair, if that’s okay with you.”

It was more than okay, and Elle gladly let Spencer massage her scalp while she closed her eyes. It had been a while since anyone had taken care of her like this, and it made her fall in love even more with the young doctor, if that was even possible.

She didn’t want it to end. The hair washing, the bath, the cabin, everything. She wanted to spend her whole life with Spencer on her side, in the middle of the forest. It would be just Spencer and her, and the world would could keep turning without them. They could stay hidden forever.

“Do you ever think about kids ?” Spencer asked suddenly, his fingers full of shampoo still running through her hair.

“Yeah, what about them ?” she answered, shrugging. “I mean, they are nice and all, but why would I think about children ?”

“I meant having kids.”

She opened her eyes.

“Oh.”

As a matter of fact, she had. Before getting shot in the stomach.

“Well, do you ?” she asked in return instead of answering.

“I love kids,” he said, and even though she couldn’t see him, she heard the smile in his voice as he kept on speaking : “I’ve always wanted some, one day. It’s like a tiny mix of the person you love the most and yourself, you know ?”

When she didn’t answer, Spencer rinsed her hair and quickly added :

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up that soon. I don’t want to pressure you.”

“I’m not feeling pressured,” Elle started cautiously.

She turned around slowly, meeting Spencer’s eyes.

“I’ve thought about it, too.”

“Having kids ?” he asked, his left hand holding Elle’s.

“Having kids with you, Spencer.” She looked away for a moment, looking for the right words. “I just don’t want us to go too fast,” she lied.

“Hey, what about the ‘no more lies’ promise ?” Spencer whined and, before Elle could ask him, he added : “You bite your cheek when you lie.”

“I hate profilers,” she sighed. “The thing is…”

She hesitated. Did she really want him to know ? Well, if they were to ever try to have kids, she would have to tell him, eventually.

“When I got shot,” she started, “the doctors told me not to get my hopes up about children, as the wounds could make me unable to ever…”

Spencer looked at her and smiled :

“I know. After you got out of surgery, I asked the doctors if there would be any permanent damage.” He paused for a second, getting a strand of wet hair out of her face. “It’s okay. If it doesn’t work the... traditional way, we can adopt.”

Elle got confused.

“What about kids being a tiny mix of you and the person you love ?” she asked, tilting her head.

“I wasn’t only talking about genes,” Spencer shrugged. “It’s all mostly about the upbringing.”

“There’s so much things to love about you, Spencer Reid,” she whispered before kissing him.

And she loved every single one of them.

*

After getting out of the grocery store, bags in hands, all covered up so that they wouldn’t be recognized, Elle and Spencer got back to the car and as they were about to drive towards the forest, Spencer pushed his broken glasses up his nose and asked :

“Can we stop at the bookstore ? There’s a book I’d like to buy.”

Elle tilted her head :

“Spencer, you know we can’t. Getting groceries is dangerous enough, there’s no need to take more risks.”

“Please ?”

He was doing his puppy eyes again, and Elle tried to resist as much as she could, to finally answer :

“Whatever. I’m not your mom.”

He smiled widely and put on his seat belt excitedly.

They arrived at the bookstore and Spencer jumped out of the car.

“I’ll be quick, I promise !”

When he came back, Elle could clearly see he was hiding a book under his coat, but she said nothing and drove away, Spencer smiling in the passenger seat.

*

Since it wasn’t that cold outside, they decided to take a walk around the house, and as they talked and laughed, they stumbled upon a big lake.

“I remember this place,” Elle rambled. “My dad used to take me there in the summer. We would fish all day and even go swimming sometimes !” She was smiling, and Spencer listened closely with tender amusement. “It was great, I loved coming here.”

“Did your dad ever teach you how to skip rocks ?” Spencer asked as he crouched to take a few flat stones in his large hands.

Elle shook her head, making Spencer smile.

“Then I’ll teach you.”

They spent at least twenty minutes skipping rocks on the lake. Well, Spencer was skipping rocks and showing Elle how to do it, explaining the scientific side of it. Sadly, Elle had never been that good at physics, so she just went with her gut and, most of the times, it was enough so that her stone would skip once or twice on the water, which would result in her letting out a "yay !" in victory.

Then, a fisherman came to the opposite side of the lake and, at first, Spencer had wanted to go back to the cabin.

“It’s okay,” Elle reassured him. “He’s too far to recognize us. He’ll think we’re just some people having a nice day in the forest.”

“Technically speaking,” Spencer said, pushing his glasses up his nose, “we are people having a nice day in the forest.”

“We’re also serial killers,” Elle added, tilting her head.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Spencer laughed.

He leaned over and kissed her before they went back to skipping rocks – or trying to, for Elle.

After a while though, the fisherman started to walk in their direction. But they were too busy skipping stones and making out to notice him, until he was close enough to see their faces.

“Hey there,” the man said.

He was in his early forties, and his blonde hair were mostly hidden by a beanie.

“I’m sorry to intrude,” he added when he saw Spencer’s surprised face, “but I feel like I’ve seen the two of you somewhere. Have we met before ?”

Spencer looked at Elle. He didn’t want to panic, but this man was totally recognizing them from the pictures he had seen on TV, because he didn’t know him.

“I don’t think so,” Elle answered calmly, glancing at Spencer. “Can we help you, Sir ?”

“No, it’s just… Oh, I know why you two look familiar !” he exclaimed, smiling. “You kind of look like those people the FBI is looking for, you know, the serial killers ? Funny, right ?”

Spencer laughed awkwardly.

“Yeah, really funny, actually.”

Then, Elle slowly got her gun out of the back of the waistband of her jeans :

“Even funnier since it’s really us, isn’t it ?”

The fisherman brought his hands up, and all joy had left his face, only to be replaced with fear.

“I- I won’t say anything.”

“Too late,” Spencer pursed his lips. “You should have stayed on your side of the lake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey ! as you may have noticed, this fic will be 13 chapters long - which means we're getting to the end, only three chapters left after this one. 
> 
> i hope you enjoy this fic, feel free to let me know your opinion in the comments !


	11. we could do it together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone !
> 
> enjoy this chapter - i'll post the next one on wednesday, as usual :)

“Please, I’m begging you, I won’t say anything !” the fisherman said when Elle took the tape off his mouth.

They had brought him to the cabin at gunpoint, and he was tied on a chair in the middle of the living room.

Spencer did one of his usual ‘white-man-smiles’ and replied :

“We really can’t take that risk, I’m sorry.”

Then he left the room, leaving the man with Elle. He let out a loud sob.

“I have a daughter, she’s only fifteen !”

Elle loaded her gun and shrugged.

“My dad died when I was a kid and I turned out fine.”

“I basically raised myself since my dad left me and my paranoid schizophrenic mother when I was five,” added Spencer, coming back from the bedroom with a knife and his glasses. “And now look at me, I’ve got PhD's in mathematics, chemistry and engineering, BA's in psychology and sociology, and I’m working on a BA in philosophy !”

The man stopped crying for a second, furrowing his brows as Spencer put on his broken glasses.

“Wait, I’m confused, aren’t you also both serial killers ?”

Elle chuckled while Spencer got behind the man, putting his hands on the armrests of the chair.

“Ah, you got us there.”

Elle pushed her hair back from her face, cocked her gun and, as she was about to shoot the man, Spencer interrupted her :

“Hey ! It’s my turn !” he exclaimed, showing her his knife.

“But it’s just been so long,” Elle whined in return.

Spencer got around the man to stand next to Elle.

“You’re the one who got to do the kill last time, it’s my turn !”

The man was watching them, his eyes widening. The people who were about to kill him were arguing like children. He was going to get murdered by kids.

“Maybe, but at least you lit a fire in Las Vegas !” Elle replied, crossing her arms.

“What are you, five ?” interrupted the man, still tied up, as Spencer opened his mouth to talk back. “Just get this over with, for God’s sake.”

Elle and Spencer glared at each other for a few seconds, quietly fighting. Elle really wanted to kill that guy, but Spencer seemed to want to do it as much as she did. He was right, technically, it was his turn, but it had been so long since she had shot someone. Well, they could still…

Spencer’s thoughts were racing. It was his turn. It wouldn’t be fair if Elle killed him. She had killed way more than him, since she had started before him. It wouldn’t be fair. Unless…

“We could do it together,” they both blurted out at the same time.

They then smiled and, as Elle pointed her gun on the man again, she said :

“Let’s get this started.”

She shot him and, as the fisherman screamed in pain, Spencer got a needle and a bottle of clear liquid out of his pocket. He drew some dilaudid with the needle and put it in the man’s tied arm, not even bothering to use a tourniquet.

“It will ease the pain,” he whispered in the man’s ear as Elle started to stick her fingers in the wounds.

The man’s head fell on his own torso, half out of consciousness. Spencer got up and ripped the back of his shirt with the knife through the backrest of the chair, slightly scraping the skin as well.

Elle and Spencer made strong eye contact while Spencer started to draw deep lines in the man’s back as Elle kept messing with the wounds, the man wincing and moaning in pain every few seconds. They had never done that before but, oddly, Spencer was getting hard, with Elle looking at him this way. Like, really hard.

After a long minute, Spencer put some more dilaudid in the man’s blood. Elle noticed his pants were getting tight and laughed.

“Why don’t we kill him now, so that I can take care of that next ?” she said, nodding her head in Spencer’s crotch’s direction.

Spencer blushed, and pushed his glasses up his nose.

“Yeah, I, hum, I guess we can do that.”

*

“I had never seen something like that,” Rossi said as he crouched next to the still tied-up man. “It looks like he died from an overdose – blue lips and everything – but the shot in the head must have been the cause of death, because why shoot someone in the head if they are already dead?”

The whole team was standing in the cabin’s living room, except for Garcia who was back in Quantico in her office, along with a few police officers and a forensics girl.

“Did Spence really do that ?” JJ asked, trying to keep her eyes off of the dead body.

“Elle’s MO is also there,” replied Morgan. “I think they both did it.”

“Together ? For unsubs who usually kill separately, that’s weird.” Prentiss said, raising an eyebrow.

“As I said, I had never seen something like that,” Rossi repeated.

“Their MOs blended perfectly with one another,” Hotch thought out-loud. “It almost looks like…” he paused. “I think they are in love.”

The rest of the team stared at him in silence, until the forensics girl went to them, holding two bottled-up cotton-tipped swab and said :

“Sorry to interrupt, but we found traces of, hum, body fluids.”

“Male or female ?” Hotch asked, deadpan.

“Both, I’m sending the samples to the lab, I’ll get back to you ASAP.”

She left the room and Morgan couldn’t help but laugh :

“That’s my boy !”

When the others turned to him, shocked and disgusted, he quickly stopped laughing and added :

“I’m joking.”

He noticed Prentiss’ smirk as they got back to the body.

*

Elle was driving quietly as Spencer started to fall asleep in the passenger seat.

“Hey ! You don’t get to sleep, this was your idea !” she said, gently hitting his shoulder.

“Sorry,” he replied, yawning. “I wasn’t really feeling like dumping the body anywhere. The man was actually nice.”

Elle rolled her eyes.

“Well, we had to kill him. And we had a great time doing it, didn’t we ?”

Spencer smiled. They did, indeed, have a great time. While the killing, but mostly after.

“Do you think they’ll find him soon ?” Spencer asked.

“I don’t know. If someone knew he was at the lake, than yes, as soon as he is reported missing the authorities will search the woods and stumble upon the cabin.”

“I liked it there,” Spencer mumbled. “I’m a little sad we couldn’t stay.”

“Movement is key, Spencer,” Elle replied as Spencer was looking through the window. “As long as we kill, we need to run.”

Spencer shrugged, still looking at the fields they were passing.

“We could stop killing. We did fine for more than a month.”

Elle didn’t answer.

“We could move to Europe. How do you feel about Greece ? It’s beautiful,” Spencer went on.

He then rambled about Greece for half an hour, and Elle listened to every word of it. She loved when he ranted about something he loved. She wondered if he would talk about her like that, someday.

*

“Tell me what you’ve got Garcia,” Hotch said on the phone.

He, JJ and Morgan were at the local police station. Morgan was talking to the victim’s family (a brown-haired woman and a young girl) while JJ was dealing with the press as he reviewed files, waiting for Prentiss and Rossi to come back from the coroner’s office.

“Our unsubs – God I hate using this word while talking about them – have been seen at a gas station a few hours from here, I’ve already sent the location to your phone,” Garcia said very quickly, and Hotch could hear the worry in her voice. “Please don’t hurt Spencer or Elle if you find them.”

“We’ll try,” Hotch answered, already on his way to get Morgan. “Thanks Gracia.”

But when they got to the gas station, Spencer and Elle were long gone, and Hotch sighed.

“They are hours ahead from us and we don’t know where they went. We’ll never catch them.”

*

Spencer had just gotten back from yet another gas station where he had bought two sandwiches, a bottle of diet coke and two coffees. He put everything on the top of the car and told Elle to get out of the car through the window.

“What ?” she asked, stepping out.

“I’m driving,” Spencer answered firmly. “You need to rest.”

Elle sighed. It was cute, but she hated it when he treated her like she couldn’t take care of herself.

“I’m perfectly fine, thanks.”

“You’ve been driving for more than five hours, you need to rest,” Spencer repeated as she rolled her eyes.

“You drive like an old person,” she retorted while getting to the passenger side.

“I just respect the speed limits,” he said, a bit offended.

He got the food inside the car and Elle started to open one of the sandwiches while he was getting something in the trunk.

“Exactly,” she said. “Hey, what are you doing ?” she then asked, turning around to look at him.

He didn’t answer and closed the trunk before getting behind the wheel and starting the car.

They ate on the road and after a few minutes, Elle took a sip of coke and then handled it to Spencer :

“Do you want some ?”

Spencer nodded and took the bottle with one hand, trying to keep his eyes on the road as he drank. The car went over a road bump, and Spencer choked on the coke, spilling some on his shirt and his pants.

Elle laughed and took the bottle from his hands, quickly drying him with some tissues she found in the glove box.

“Shit !” Spencer exclaimed once he stopped coughing. “I hope it didn’t get wet !”

He slowed down and stopped the car on the side of the road.

“What are you talking about ?” Elle asked.

Spencer pulled something out of the inside of his coat. It was rectangular-shaped, wrapped in old newspapers, and Elle wondered how it could have fit in his coat without her noticing. Spencer let out a sigh of relief when he realized the coke hadn’t touched the mysterious package.

“Well, I might as well give it to you now,” he said, smiling awkwardly. “I wanted to wait for when we would stop for the night, but now that you’ve seen it….”

He handed it to her and she looked at him suspiciously before slowly unwrapping it, discovering the cover of a book.

“Of mice and men ?” she read out loud, turning the book in her hands.

“Yeah, you kept borrowing mine, so I figured you liked it a lot,” Spencer shrugged. “Open it !” he added excitedly.

Elle smiled and glanced at him before opening and looking at the first page. There was something written on it, in Spencer’s crooked handwriting :

_And even when the whole world let us down, we didn’t give up on each other._  
_S-_

Elle’s throat got tight as she read, and she looked up at Spencer, smiling.

“Thank you.” She paused and laughed. “I, uh, I do like this book a lot, I don’t know why.”

Spencer’s heart warmed at her laugh. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and leaned over to kiss him briefly.

“I love you, you know that, right ?”

He laughed as she ruffled his hair. Spencer started driving again while Elle fell asleep, holding the book on her chest. She was so pretty that Spencer wished he could watch her sleep forever.

Forever didn’t last long. They had to stop somewhere to spend the night, eventually.

*

“Sir, they’ve been seen at a motel, I’ve sent you the address.”

“Thank you Garcia.”

Hotch hung up and got, once again, in the SUV with Rossi, calling Morgan and Prentiss on the way.

“It’s six hours away, Hotch, wouldn’t it be faster to take the jet ?”

Hotch didn’t answer and started driving.

“You don’t really want to catch them, do you ?”

Hotch stayed quiet. He hated this whole situation. He hated that his former team members had become serial killers. He hated that he had to chase them, and that it was taking so damn long.

Hotch didn’t want to say it but, deep down, Rossi was right. He didn’t want to catch them. They had stayed dormant for a month, and their last victim was clearly one of opportunity. Maybe, just maybe, if he gave them a chance, they would stay dormant forever and he wouldn’t have to catch them.

But, sadly, forever hadn’t lasted long, and it was very unlikely that it ever would

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me if you liked it ! :)


	12. please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi ! new chapter (last one actually, the epilogue will be out on saturday though)
> 
> enjoy ! :)

Elle and Spencer took a shower, slept a few hours, and left the motel.

“Movement is key, Spencer,” Elle repeated as Spencer groaned when she woke him up at dawn.

And they drove. All morning, they kept driving in silence, until they had to stop to get something to eat.

Elle took care of it this time. As she came back to the car, giving the food to Spencer before jumping in the driver’s seat, she said :

“We need to get out of here, the owner is calling the police.”

“Crap !” exclaimed Spencer. “How did he recognize you ? You were wearing a hoodie !”

Elle looked at him, deadpan, as she started the car.

“Was that sarcasm ?”

Spencer’s voice got high-pitched as he frowned

“What ? No ! You were wearing a hoodie ! No one ever recognized me with a hoodie.”

Elle pressed the accelerator and the tires screeched.

*

“Sir, you’re only ten minutes away from a store where Elle has been seen, I’ve already sent everything to everyone,” Garcia said over the phone

“Thanks, I’ll call you back.”

Hotch started the SUV and called Morgan :

“We’re closer than you are but Garcia sent the location and the license plate to your phone.”

“We’ll try to trap them, you and Rossi from one side, Prentiss and I from the other,” Morgan answered.

“Good idea, I’ll tell JJ to come with the SWAT.”

He hung up and Rossi called JJ while Hotch put the sirens, driving wildly through the city, looking for the car Garcia had told him they were driving.

“They can’t escape this time,” Rossi said after hanging up with JJ. “The local police put roadblocks everywhere, and the SWAT plans on getting to them from the sides we can’t cover.”

Hotch didn’t answer. He didn’t like that the SWAT was involved in this. Their orders were to shoot the unsubs if there was any danger for anyone. He didn’t want Elle or Spencer to get shot.

He had a bad feeling about this.

*

“Fuck !” Elle exclaimed after hearing a woman on the radio talking about the roadblocks. “We’re screwed !”

Spencer pushed his glasses up his nose.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, we can, uh, let me think for a moment.”

He closed his eyes for approximately three seconds, and opened them again :

“Turn right, there’s a road this way, it’s so unused they probably forgot it.”

As Elle turned, they heard sirens ahead of them. Spencer clenched his jaw.

“What do I do now ?” Elle asked.

“Turn left, then turn right again. We should…”

He didn’t have time to finish his sentence, because a police car got out of nowhere and blocked the way Spencer had just indicated.

“Okay, uh, turn around !”

Elle did as Spencer said and followed directions for a few minutes, dodging the sirens and the black SUVs.

*

“Hotch ! Prentiss had an idea,” Morgan said before handing the phone to her.

“Go Prentiss, you’re on speaker,” Hotch said.

“I asked Garcia if there was any place we could trap them in. Turns out there’s an abandoned building, she’s sending you and the SWAT the address. Once they are there, they won’t be able to run away.”

“Great, Rossi and I will prevent them from going south.”

“And us north,” Prentiss said “The SWAT will get the west and east sides.”

They hung up and Hotch started driving faster. Rossi was holding onto the handle on his door to prevent himself from moving too much, because he could swear he was on the verge of flying away each time Hotch took a turn.

Other cars moved away when they heard the sirens, and warnings were everywhere on the radio, asking people not to obstruct the roads.

“We’ll get them this time,” Rossi said.

And Hotch wished he would have shut up, because ‘getting them’, as his colleague – and friend – had said, was the last thing he wanted to do.

*

“They are everywhere !”

Elle didn’t know where to go, and each turn was welcomed with a few more sirens.

“Tell me what to do, Spencer !”

Spencer wiped away the sweat on his forehead. He was overwhelmed. Elle was right, they were everywhere.

“UHhhh, turn left !”

After a while, he shouted :

“STOP THE CAR !”

She did, and Spencer opened his door, jumping out, followed by Elle.

“They are trying to trap us somewhere, our best chance of getting out of this is by feet.”

He then started running, his knife in hand, while Elle had her gun in the waistband of her jeans. They ran for a little while, tripping and jumping over things. Quickly, Spencer was out of breath, but he kept running next to Elle, who was clearly in better shape than him.

Suddenly, a black SUV popped in front of them, blocking their way. They turned around, only to be met by a police car, stopping them from going back.

“STOP RUNNING ! I DON’T WANT TO SHOOT BUT I WILL IF I NEED TO !” a familiar voice yelled as a man got out of the SUV.

Spencer turned to see Morgan, wearing an FBI vest, his gun pointed on him.

“No you won’t,” Spencer simply replied before Elle grabbed him by the hand and pulled him inside of the building right next to them.

*

“Hotch,” Morgan said over the radio, “They entered the building, what do we do now ?”

“Be sure to block all exits,” Hotch ordered, parking the SUV not far from said building. “We’ll be here in a minute. Proceed with caution and do not shoot if it isn’t necessary, do you understand me ?”

“Okay, hurry up.”

*

“They are surrounding the building !” Spencer said as Elle started going up the stairs.

“What even is this place ?” she asked.

“It doesn’t matter if we’re getting arrested in here !” Spencer replied, his voice getting high pitched. “We need to get out.”

Elle quickly looked through a window.

“We can’t, they are literally everywhere.”

“The roof ?” Spencer suggested, running a hand through his hair.

“They can still shoot us from the ground,” Elle shrugged.

They looked at each other for a few seconds, Elle on the stairs and Spencer still on the ground floor.

“I don’t want to die,” Spencer blurted out.

“And I don’t want to get arrested, come on, there may be an issue to another building up there.”

Spencer followed Elle up the stairs and they searched the whole building for an exit that wasn’t covered by the SWAT, but everywhere they went they were welcome either by walls or red lasers.

Suddenly, the door downstairs got kicked down, and Spencer readjusted his glasses and couldn’t help but whisper :

“That was probably Morgan.”

“We know you’re here ! Come out and we won’t hurt you !”

Spencer glanced at the stairs and then at Elle, as she put her hands on his cheeks.

“Look at me, Spencer,” she started firmly, looking at him in the eyes through his smashed glasses. “They won’t hurt us anyway, so we have to keep looking for an issue, okay ?”

Spencer nodded, staring at Elle’s brown eyes. They seemed a little lighter today, and the young doctor could have sworn he saw a bit a green in her irises.

“Yeah, yeah, alright.”

When Elle let go of him, he pushed his glasses up his nose and followed her in the hallway as the other team members were calling their names. It was hard for Spencer to ignore them. They were his colleagues, his friends, his family. Elle noticed he had stopped and came so close to his face that he almost thought she was going to kiss him.

“These people,” she said, pointing downstairs, “Are the ones who let you down. You left these people months ago and if you want to get out of this free and alive, you have to remember why you left them.”

“They let me down…” Spencer repeated.

It was true. They had let him down. What kind of family did that ? And he had left them. They weren’t his colleagues anymore. He owed them nothing.

He followed Elle as they once again went up the stairs, and as he reached the last step, Morgan started to catch up.

“Spencer ! Do not move ! I don’t want to shoot you man !”

Spencer turned around, pursing his lips, and raised his hands in the air :

“Okay, okay, you win, I am just going to loosen my tie,” he said, slowly reaching for his neck, “because it is quite uncomfortable.”

Morgan frowned and kept getting closer to him, his gun still pointed at Spencer. What the hell was the kid doing ?

Suddenly, the young doctor threw his tie at Morgan’s face and when the FBI agent managed to push the piece of fabric away from his face, Spencer was gone.

“Spencer, you little shit,” Morgan scoffed as he finished to go up the stairs.

He looked to his right, only to meet an empty hallway, and didn’t even have time to turn around completely that Elle had already took his gun off of his hands and thrown it away. Spencer could have sworn a shot had been fired, but as neither Morgan nor Elle reacted, the bullet must had gone into a wall or the ceiling.

Elle didn’t leave Morgan time to understand what was happening.

“Hello handsome,” she said before she punched him in the stomach, making him bend in half both from surprise and pain. “It’s been a while, uh ?”

She then raised her knee, hitting him in the jaw and knocking him out.

Spencer came out of the room he was hiding in, a few meters behind Morgan.

“Did you just call him handsome ?” he asked, furrowing his eyebrows and pointing at Morgan.

“Really ?” Elle said, deadpan. “This is the moment you choose to be jealous ?”

Spencer shrugged and was about to answer when Elle pushed him back in the room and locked behind her.

“The way you kicked Morgan’s ass was awesome !” Spencer exclaimed, smiling. “When you punched him in the stomach ? That was amazing ! And then you-” his smiled faded when Elle collapsed in his arms. “Elle ?”

He cautiously brought her to the ground and knelt beside her, holding her head and shoulders with one arm.

“Elle ?” he repeated, worried. “What’s wr-” his voice broke when he saw all the blood on Elle’s shirt.

“I think I got shot,” she said, putting her hands on where the blood was coming from.

Spencer lifted her shirt and quickly examined the wound.

“Yeah, you definitely got shot,” he replied in a whisper. “But you’re going to be fine, the bullet hasn’t touched any major artery nor any organ. We just need to apply pressure on it.”

He pressed on her stomach with the hand that wasn’t holding her already, still bent over her. Elle rose her hand and tucked one strand of Spencer’s hair behind his ear.

“Spencer…” she started.

“Don’t speak,” Spencer interrupted her, “You are going to be fine.”

She shook her head.

“I don’t want to go to jail, Spencer.”

“And I don’t want you to die !” he replied.

Hotch’s voice yelled from outside the door :

“STEP BACK, I’M COMING IN !”

“IF YOU COME INSIDE I’LL SHOOT SPENCER !” Elle shouted back.

Spencer looked at her :

“You’ll shoot me ?” he whispered, tilting his head.

“No you idiot, I just don’t want them to come in yet !” she replied, keeping her voice low.

“Elle, we can talk this out !” JJ said from the other side, making Spencer look at the door.

“Spencer,” Elle whispered, bringing the young man’s stare back on her. “I need you to do something for me.”

Spencer nodded quickly.

“I’ll do anything.”

Elle took a deep breath.

“I need you to kill me,” she said, reaching for her gun in the back of her jeans.

Spencer’s eye widened as she put the gun on his hand, which was still applying pressure on her bullet wound.

“What ?” he asked, his voice getting high pitched.

“Please, Spencer,” she begged. “I don’t want to go to jail.”

Spencer was torn apart. He didn’t want to kill Elle. That was the last thing he had ever wanted to do.

“I-I won’t let them take you,” he said, his eyes watering as he spoke. “I can- I can shoot them !”

“There’s too many of them,” Elle replied, shaking her head. “We’ll both be dead before you even kill anyone !”

She placed the gun in his hand.

“Please, just do it.”

A tear rolled down Spencer’s cheek.

“Spencer ?” Emily called through the door. “What’s happening in there ?”

He could hear his heart beating in his chest.

_Tu dum, tu dum, tu dum._

“We can figure this out !” Hotch added. “Just talk to us, we’re right here.”

_Tu dum. Tu dum._

"Spencer, please, shoot me."

_Tu dum._

"Open the door !"

It was too much for him. Elle begging him to put a bullet through her brain, the drops of sweat on his forehead, the team calling out their names, his heart trying to get out of his rib cage, it was too much.

And he couldn’t take it anymore. He carefully laid Elle down on the floor and got up quickly, the gun in his hand :

“And where were you when I needed you, uh ?” he snapped, pushing his glasses up his nose with the barrel of the gun.

“Spencer we-” Hotch started, but Spencer didn’t want to hear his voice.

“Where were you when I was getting beaten up ?” he went on, raising his voice. “Where were you when he was drugging me so that I couldn’t feel the pain anymore ?”

“Spencer, calm down,” Morgan’s voice said, quite weakly.

“Where were you when he hit me so hard I fell and stopped breathing for a minute, uh ?”

The whole team was trying to talk to him now, but it was like he couldn’t hear them, their voices muffled by all the screaming in his head.

“WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I DIED ?” Spencer cried out, his voice breaking and his lips trembling. “WHERE WERE YOU ?”

He sobbed loudly and took his glasses off for a second, wiping the tears away with the sleeve of his button-up shirt, his hand shaking.

“I’m sorry we weren’t there, Spencer,” Hotch said gently from the other side of the door after whispering to the SWAT not to barge in yet. “But we’re here now, just open this door and everything will be fine.”

Spencer turned to Elle, laid down on the floor.

“I don’t want to go to jail,” she muttered. “I’ve got a gun pointed on him !” she added, louder. “I’ll shoot him if you come in !”

*

Things were heating up on the other side of the door.

“We have to go in !” JJ whispered furiously.

“She just said she had a gun pointed on him, do you even think ?” replied Rossi.

“She might be bluffing,” remarked Morgan.

“Exactly,” said Hotch. “She might be, or not. I don’t want to take that risk.”

“Then what do we do ?” Prentiss asked.

All heads turned to Hotch, who sighed. This was a tough decision. He didn’t want anyone to get hurt.

“We talk to them.”

*

“Spencer, please.”

Elle was repeating this words over, and over, and over again. But Spencer couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“I can’t,” he whispered, kneeling besides her again. “I can't do it.”

He was crying again, memories flashing in front of his eyes. Elle tasting the burnt pancakes. Elle sitting in the bath with him. Elle looking at him while she was giving him a blow job. Elle tackling him to the ground. Elle kissing him softly. Elle handing him a sandwich from a service station. Elle driving the car and singing along with him to a song on the radio. Elle landing her a shirt after he overdosed. Elle hitting him in the face with a pillow before taking her shirt off. Elle smiling and laughing and being happy. Elle.

And now Elle was lying on the ground in front of her, her blood spilling on the floor and staining her clothes while the FBI and the SWAT was waiting for them on the other side of the door.

What was happening ? How had they gotten there ?

“This wasn’t supposed to end like this,” he said as she took his hand. “We were going to Greece. It’s beautiful, you know ?”

Elle smiled. Of course she knew. Spencer had described it to her for thirty minutes in the car, the day prior to all this mess.

“I don’t want to go to jail,” she said for what seemed the hundredth time to Spencer.

“But I can’t do this, Elle,” he replied, holding her hand against his chest. “I can’t do this, I love you too much for that. What will I do without you ?”

“We’d be kept apart anyway,” she answered, and she raised her bloody hand to Spencer’s cheek, gently holding his face. “Just shoot me, Spencer.”

She paused as Spencer shook his head.

“Please, if you really love me you have to do it.”

Spencer looked at her in the eyes. He didn’t want to do it.

“What, are you giving up on me, too ?”

“Stop it,” he cried. “I don’t want you to die.”

“You have to kill me.”

Spencer pushed his glasses up his nose, holding her closer. He kissed Elle’s forehead and she closed her eyes, a single tear rolling on her cheek.

“I love you so much,” he whispered, putting the barrel of the gun on her temple.

“I love you, too,” she muttered back.

Spencer closed his eyes and, as he realized the team was talking to them through the closed door, he pulled the trigger, bursting into tears.

His ears were still ringing when the SWAT kicked down the door and the team came in.

“LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO !” he screamed, and JJ almost couldn’t handle that sight.

She almost couldn’t handle the sight of her young friend’s cheek covered in blood, the broken glasses on his nose and the tears running down his face. She almost couldn’t handle the bloody shirt and the trembling hands, the messed up hair and the dark circles under his teary eyes. She almost couldn't handle seeing him like that, crying, screaming, holding Elle’s lifeless body with shaking shoulders, his face now buried in her neck.

Hotch lowered down his weapon and kicked Elle’s gun which was lying beside them before looking at Spencer and clenching his jaw. Between screams, tears and protests, the unit chief finally managed to handcuff him.

Spencer was still crying and calling out Elle’s name when they took him away from her body. They tried to talk to him on their way out, but it was like he couldn’t hear them, because all he did was shouting Elle’s name.

When they made him get in the police car, he finally stopped, crying silently instead.

“Hey man.”

Spencer turned his head, only to find out it was Morgan talking to him through the open window.

“You okay ?”

Spencer looked down.

“Don’t ask stupid questions,” he said before sniffing.

Morgan bit his lip.

“Is there anything I can get you ?” he asked, trying to cross Spencer’s eyes.

“I loved her so much,” Spencer let out in a breath.

He could see her body being carried away on a stretcher, covered in a white sheet stained with blood.

“Then why did you kill her ?” Morgan asked after a few seconds.

“She asked me too,” Spencer admitted, drying his tears with his sleeve.

But new ones kept appearing and, eventually, he stopped trying to fight them. His shoulders were shaking again.

“Didn’t want to go to jail ?” Morgan asked, laying on the car.

Spencer simply nodded, because his throat had gotten so tight that he couldn’t manage to let out a sound.

“Classic Elle,” Morgan scoffed.

“Yeah,” Spencer replied, his voice breaking.

He already missed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry <3


	13. epilogue

During Spencer’s trial, the best thing he had found not to go to jail had been to blame everything he had done on a schizophrenic break. His mother being a paranoid schizophrenic and him being in his late twenties played in his favor. Moreover, the whole team had agreed to be called to the bar and to testify. The jury hadn’t been that hard to convince.

Now Spencer was sat in a psychiatric hospital, and under heavy medications that made him sleepy most of the time. He could have chosen not to take them – he was sure he would have found a way to hide it from the nurses if he had wanted to.

But sleepy was still better than the pain eating him from inside, growing each day, creating a void quickly filled with remorse and memories that had gotten too painful for him to think about them willingly.

He wished he could forget some of them. The moments spent with Elle couldn’t hurt him if he didn’t remember them. But his eidetic memory would never let him forget.

And, deep down, he cherished them. He fell asleep at night thinking about her smile. Her laugh would be his lullaby as he drifted into unconsciousness, embracing the peacefulness the dark offered him. The same obscurity he feared before had become a way to imagine her lying beside him. He almost felt her breath on his nose, sometimes.

He would fall asleep like this, holding onto the ghost of the person he had loved the most.

Hotch visited him at the end of his second week. Spencer agreed to see him, because he didn’t care anymore. Nothing mattered now that Elle was gone.

“So, how have you been doing ?” the unit chief asked, standing in front of Spencer who was sat cross-legged on the bed of his room.

“Bad,” Spencer answered. “I sleep a lot. The food is horrible.”

Hotch nodded and looked away.

“Yeah, I had figured you wouldn’t get better that soon.” He sighed, pointing to the box on the table he had brought with him. “I thought maybe that could cheer you up.”

Spencer stood up and walked to the box, opening it slowly. It was full of books from his library, and he recognized some that he had packed with him for the road trip. Among them was the copy of Of Mice and Men he had bought Elle.

“Thanks,” he said, picking up the box and putting it on his bed, sitting next to it. “It, hum, it does cheer me up a little,” he lied.

He hated lying, but it didn’t matter anymore, did it ? Those books were only reminding him of Elle, and he knew that each page he would read would only enlarge the void in his chest.

“Before I leave I, uh, the autopsy report came in,” Hotch said.

Spencer looked at him, thinking :

Yeah, and ?

“Elle was pregnant.”

Spencer could have sworn he heard his own heart shatter.

“Pregnant ?” he repeated, frowning.

“You didn’t know ?” Hotch asked as he was about to open the door.

Spencer shook his head.

“I…” he started, his voice breaking. “I didn’t think…” He interrupted himself again, struggling to swallow. “It doesn’t matter anyway.”

It would have mattered if he hadn’t shot her in the head.

“The baby died when she got shot by Morgan,” Hotch added after a long silence. “Don’t blame yourself, okay ?”

He nodded, and Hotch left. Spencer shouldn’t have accepted to see him. He had only brought more pain.

He went through the books, stumbling upon his own copy of Of Mice and Men. He opened it and, on the first page, words had been written.

He read Elle’s handwriting through the tears that had started rolling on his pale cheeks.

_Thanks for never giving up on me.  
E-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi !
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this fanfic as much as I enjoyed writing it ! don't hesitate to give feedback, as it is the first piece of writing I've ever actually finished and posted somewhere :)
> 
> thanks to all of you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos !
> 
> Arwin-


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